Friday’s Daytime Emmy Awards telecast will honor soap-opera actors for so artfully telling tales of babynapping, tainted face cream, faked deaths, and secret cancer. As a tribute to those invaluable contributions, we’d like to acknowledge some of their real-world counterparts, the hard-luck celebs starring in their own melodramas.
Best Actress in a Dual Role: Anne Heche Between her marriage and her subsequent affair with her male Men In Trees co-star, it’s been sausage on the menu for Ellen’s famous ex these past few years. But after losing custody of her son recently, Heche allegedly responded by cutting a flirty Sapphic swath through New York City, hitting on actress Shiri Appleby (Six Degrees), among others. Yes, it’s giving us whiplash, but for a juicy bisexual love triangle like this, we’ll take the pain. She’s like a real-life Samantha Jones, only much more likely to explain her sexcapades as being ordered by the alien overlords from whichever planet she’s talking to this week.
Best Return From the Dead: Angelina Jolie The tabloids shook things up in 2007 by burying America’s First Family, gleefully skewering Angie for everything from her adoption addiction to being a cranky, underfed ice queen. Her response? A slew of loving sound bites that practically leapt out and gave us all hickeys. Suddenly, anyone who’d listen — Marie Claire, Ann Curry, Parade, Reader’s Digest — got a warm interview about her perfect man, their solid relationship, her happy family, and her upcoming yearlong work break. Voilà: royalty once more. Britney, take note.
Most in Need of Cue Cards: Isaiah Washington When you’re a suspected bigot and rage-aholic who’s just been forced into anger-rehab and then fired for hurling a slur at a co-star, clearly the sensible statement for your publicist to release is “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore.” After news broke in October that he’d allegedly called T.R. Knight a “faggot,” Washington’s brilliant attempt to deny the accusation was the nonsensical “I love gay.” And using the offensive word again in trying to deny he’d said it in the first place — at the Emmys, in the press room — prompted Katherine Heigl to suggest that he never speak publicly, ever. Not a bad idea.
Best Recast: Prison Paris Now that her on-again, off-again flirtation with the pokey is decidedly back on, Paris has apparently decided to reimagine herself — via a phone call with Barbara Walters — as a sensitive spirit touched by God (we hope he washed his hands afterward) who is tired of “acting” stupid and wants to become a philanthropist. Assuming she is not confusing that word with “philanderer,” everybody wins. Plus, isn’t any Paris better than Paris: Original Flavor?
Worst Recast: Whoopi Goldberg Who better to replace controversial scandal-monger Rosie O’Donnell on The View’s catty couch than … Whoopi? Seriously? When the rumor mill this week all but handed the job to Whoopi — a woman who hasn’t been socially relevant since a failed 2003 sitcom — we instantly vowed to switch back to Martha. Sure, the Whoopster’s recent weight-loss commercials were compelling, but do we really think she has anything to say we didn’t already cringe at when she hosted the Oscars? America shouldn’t have to sit through that every morning. The country has enough problems. —The Fug Girls