With Paris fresh out of the big house, Nicole heading to the joint, and Lindsay likely facing some slammer time, it’s beginning to look like prison is the new black. Forget worrying about what this says about the youth of America and its corresponding societal decay. What we want to know is what the bandwagon will look like when it leaves the station as this passion for incarceration becomes the next hot social and fashion fad. Step aside, cool hunters. After the jump, read the top-secret trend forecast companies pay top ducats for.
Fake Ankle Bracelets Will Be All the Rage In addition to making it seem like you’re a reformed badass who’s now dutifully obeying the law (especially if you’re underage!), huge clunky alcohol-monitoring cuffs totally make your legs look thinner. Plus, they’re black! Black goes with everything.
Horizontal Stripes Will Make a Comeback Formerly reviled for making people look wide, now they’ll scream that you’re hip to the sweet black-and-white-striped garb that’s the international symbol for “I’m doing time. And you could be my prison bitch!”
Handcuffs, the Accessory of Choice Move over, Kabbalah bracelets. Paris may have worn these recreationally before jail, but soon every Hayden, Mandy, and Rachel in town will be sporting serious hardware. Looking like you’re on the lam is pretty sexy, and hey, handcuffing yourself to cute boys is a great way to meet people.
“Mug Shot Stylist” Will Be the New “It” Job The only thing worse than getting arrested is taking an ugly booking photo (has Nick Nolte ever recovered?). If you can’t silk-screen your own smoking-hot mug shot onto a T-shirt for you and your loved ones to wear around town, then what’s the point? Best to keep someone on call with a full makeup bag and flat iron, just in case.
Parties Will Feature Bologna Sandwiches and Pruno Serving the nosh that everyone got secretly hooked on in the joint proves that you’re mad street, and that you’ve probably got friends on The Inside, just like the cool kids. Bonus: It’s way cheaper than mini Kobe burgers and Champagne.
Finally, People Will Understand the Allure of Jumpsuits More than merely comfortable, jumpsuits are conveniently roomy enough to smuggle just about anything anywhere. They’re also easily ripped off when you’re having sex in the back of your car or on a club banquette, or otherwise indecently exposing yourself or contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Lesser Celebs Will Commit Blatant Crimes Once, D-list starlets would just dress like the celebutante queen bees and date their cast-offs. Soon, look for people like Kimberly Stewart and Kim Kardashian to be caught driving their cars into trees, planting drugs in their pants and then pretending someone else did it, or even blowing rails off a cop car. Anything that could land them in the slammer — and on the magazine covers! — like the real celebrities. After all, everything is worth it if you can read your prison diaries to Larry King. —The Fug Girls