Regis Philbin Has No Talents

We asked Regis Philbin if he had any special skills or hidden talents at last night’s Alzheimer’s Association gala at the Waldorf Astoria. “Hidden talents?” He paused and turned to his wife, Joy. “There’s got to be something that I do that’s unusual, right? What’s something that I’ve mastered?” We suggested sports — for some reason a mental image of Regis doing the butterfly stroke comes to us quite easily. “You’re a great tennis player,” Joy answered. “No, I’m not, I’m not,” Regis shook his head. “He’s a great net man,” Joy insisted. Regis continued to fluster. “There’s got to be one damn thing!” he said. “I’m good at giving nicknames.” Really? We asked which ones he had recently bestowed. He looked perplexed. “I gave La Lucci her nickname,” he said finally. “Kelly Ripa: Kipa!” Then, silence. “Where are you sitting? We’ll come find you later,” Joy offered. But they never did. In the meantime we thought of a nickname for Regis Philbin: RePhil. Ha! We kill ourselves. — Amy Odell