Earlier today, we noted that the Us Weekly set seems to be migrating from Los Angeles to New York, what with Lindsay Lohan and Brangelina and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Brandon Fucking Davis all settling in, and Jennifer Aniston talking about moving. We don’t know exactly why this is happening. Could the Second Gilded Age, with its luxury apartment buildings and $400 omakase menus, have created a kind of reverse gold rush, with the very rich moving here to liquidate? Are they really running from the paparazzi, as they say? Or are glare of TMZ’s klieg lights, combined with the massive brown pollution cloud that hovers over Los Angeles, just really bad for your skin?
Most likely, celebrities are coming to New York for the reasons they always have: because it gives them depth and makes them look cooler. But the tide must be stemmed, before Sunset Tan starts building branches in Nolita or Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher erect a monster gated mansion in Central Park or we start seeing Val Kilmer at brunch. Because while coming to New York may make some celebrities look smarter and cooler, there are some celebrities who make New York look decidedly less smart and less cool. Which is why, Los Angeles, we’d like to propose a trade. We have some celebrities over here that seem to belong to you — we’ll give them back if you give us the ones that belong in New York, but for some reason are still living over there:
Take My Celebrity, Please!
• Sean “Diddy” Combs. Come on, he really still lives here? He’s like the T.G.I. Friday’s of hip-hop stars. He’d fit in so much better in a place where people have outdoor pools and strip malls.
• Donald Trump. Okay, let’s explain this in business terms. Donald Trump has an incredibly high personal demand for attention. The celeb-obsessed culture of L.A. has an endless supply of attention to give. It’s the rules of capitalism! Plus, we don’t know how much more we can take of that squinty “tough face” he makes.
• Julia Stiles. Seriously, please take her. We have enough self-satisfied Columbia grads as it is. Maybe if she goes somewhere sunny, she’ll learn how to smile!
• Sarah Jessica Parker. You may gasp — after all, she’s supposed to be a New York icon. But the best thing about SJP used to be that she stopped doing Sex and the City while it was still hot. Now that we see all these tacky, tired shots from the new movie filming, it’s abundantly clear that it might ruin the show’s — and her — legacy. So we’re quitting you, SJP, while we’re still ahead.
• Beyoncé. Okay, we love Beyoncé. Adore her fierceness, love her songs, think she’s pretty, yadda yadda. But you know what? It’s just gotten tiring waiting around for her to do something interesting for once. Come on! Ladies of R&B are supposed to kick ass, not sit quietly on corner banquettes. They’ll like you in Los Angeles where they can at least analyze your baby bump all day.
Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Your Non-Loathsome Celebrities Right Over
• Snoop Dogg. Um, duh.
• Larry Ellison. He’s rich, he’s been married four times, and he thinks he’s the hottest shot in Hot Town. Doesn’t he belong here?
• Jake Gyllenhaal. This isn’t entirely fair to Julia Stiles, since we’d trade our own best friend for Jake. But his sister and her baby live here, not to mention his best friend Peter Sarsgaard. They need him! Oh, and hordes and hordes of women and gay men: We need him, too.
• Catherine Keener. If Jennifer Aniston is coming, why not replace SJP with Jen’s best friend? Catherine is quiet, smart, and not showy. Also, she’d never get caught in a movie wearing a dress from Little Shop of Horrors.
• Rihanna. Sorry, Beyoncé, we’re just taking our cues from Jay-Z, and he tells us this girl’s the next best thing. She makes out with celebrities at clubs, she has an attitude, and she wears almost entirely black. Plus, fierce bangs are so not L.A. this year.
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