The Fug Girls’ Official Celebrity-Style Mandates for 2008

Yes, it was the year of downward spirals, DUIs, and prison terms, but 2007 was also chockablock with stylistically challenged celebrities digging deep into their pocketbooks and shelling out for some new clothes and coifs — and as a result, of course, positive pro-makeover press. But now that the likes of Katie Holmes, Rihanna, and even — gasp — Fergie are all squared away, we’re turning an eye toward celebs who could use a similar style overhaul in 2008.

Take Heath Ledger, for instance. He’s freshly single, starring in the newest Batman film, and generally young and hot. So it’s beyond us why he insists on slumping around Brooklyn unshaven and wearing a porkpie hat. Wouldn’t his career and personal life continue their upward trajectory with more oomph if he put on a sharp suit occasionally, instead of dressing like he’s gone Method to play the Joker?

Juno star Ellen Page is poised to collect a lot of Hollywood hardware for her mantel/garage shelf/toilet lid. Yet so far she’s rarely worn anything but black or gray on the red carpet, often with an awkwardness evoking a kid eating her first meal at the adults’ table. With the spotlight headed her way, there’s no time like the present to go a bit more glam: Throw in some color, funk up the accessories, and turn the Everygirl into a woman. Done right, no one will remember who actually wins the damn awards.

It says something about Jessica Simpson that we can’t remember anything about her wardrobe except that it’s generally too small for her. If anyone needs the restorative power of some flattering new outfits, it’s a woman whose last two movies were both deemed too heinous for wide release. Also, maybe if she did something interesting with her hair — no, honey, dyeing it again does not count — the tabloids would stop focusing so much on her bad luck with dudes.

Renée Zellweger generally looks totally acceptable, it’s true — current awkward Boy Scout–style haircut notwithstanding. But she’s just so boring. Ninety-nine photo ops out of a hundred, she shows up in a strapless, knee-length Carolina Herrera. Would it kill her to try something new? Like sleeves? That one time she tried pockets does not count.

Also, memo to Heidi Montag: We get it. You have ginormous new boobs. The Hills are alive with your peaks and valleys. But if you’d like your epitaph to read something other than “Here Lies Pam Anderson 2.0: Ripe Cleavage, Rotten Taste in Men,” we suggest toning it down. If you can’t put the melons back on the produce shelf, then at least keep them from toppling out of the bag. Developing a classier act might go a marginally longer way toward helping us forget your other shameless publicity-mongering.

Lastly, there’s Alicia Keys. Such a pretty face. Such a lovely voice. Such lousy taste. Although she’s come a long way since the heavy glitter-eye-shadow fixation of a few years ago, with a much-ballyhooed album out — her first new material in four years — you’d think Alicia would work a little harder to get her clothes up to par. Wearing the same crotch-mangling, unfairly thigh-thundering flared jumpsuit in at least two different colors isn’t going to cut it. May we suggest — and we still can’t believe we’re saying this — a shopping spree with newly femme Fergie? You’re welcome. —The Fug Girls





Earlier: The Fug Girls: Since When Is Jessica Simpson a Spinster?

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