CHRISTAL: So does that mean that Dan and Serena do, in fact, face the risk of becoming step-siblings?
JPRESS: Yes. Ewwwwww.
CHRISTAL: Wait. Is it weird that I don’t necessarily think that’s disgusting?
JPRESS: Um, yeah. They are going to be living together. As brother and sister. Our society does not tolerate incest, or things that look like incest.
CHRISTAL: Well, it’s not like their parents are going to get married right away.
JPRESS: This is what the Republicans are afraid of, people like you.
CHRISTAL: It’s not like Rufus is going to take over Bart’s wedding.
CHRISTAL: And use it as his own.
CHRISTAL: Oh wait, he totally is.
JPRESS: You’re so right. He’s going to come rushing up the aisle.
JPRESS: I guess the apartment at the Palace is really big. Dan and Serena could pretend they were not living together.
JPRESS: Oh wait.
JPRESS: They wouldn’t even live at the Palace. They would live in Brooklyn. And you can’t avoid people in Brooklyn. I should know, I have the same doctor as Emily Gould.
CHRISTAL: I think they will inevitably break up.
CHRISTAL: Dan is going to go to Dartmouth, and Serena is going to go to U of F, where she belongs.
JPRESS: And they’d never do a long-distance relationship.
CHRISTAL: Well, Dan would.
JPRESS: But not Serena. She’s the girl that’s going to earn the nickname “Chinese Finger Trap” the first week of freshman year and not shake it off for the rest of college.
CHRISTAL: They are a terrible couple in terms of TV longevity.
CHRISTAL: They have zero in common.
CHRISTAL: But maybe
CHRISTAL: Maybe being in the same family would ADD to their relationship.
JPRESS: They’d have more in common!
JPRESS: They could bond over hatred of their parents and stuff like that. “Rufus is so annoying when he plays air guitar. Let’s make out.”
JPRESS: I guess if they stayed together it wouldn’t be that bad. It’s not like their babies would have scales or a tail or whatever, if they had an accidental season-two pregnancy. Since they aren’t ACTUALLY related.
CHRISTAL: I wonder if the baby would come out with hair extensions?
JPRESS: Definitely. And a chip on its shoulder.
JPRESS: So, are we ultimately concluding that it’s okay for Serena and Dan to date if their parents are together?
JPRESS: I think we should. Fuck all those To Catch a Predator–watching moralists.
CHRISTAL: I think they should get it on.
JPRESS: This is some serious V.C. Andrews shit.
JPRESS: Generations of Humphrey Van Der Woodsens.
CHRISTAL: I prefer to think of it as Faulknerian.
CHRISTAL: Blood is thicker than water.
CHRISTAL: Isn’t it weird that in that expression, “water” really means “semen”?
CHRISTAL: I’ve always been put off by that.
JPRESS: It DOES?
CHRISTAL: Actually, I don’t know. I’ve never understood that expression.