Back in March, when the Spitzer scandal was at its glorious peak, we were compelled to invent the Politician’s Too Much Information Index in recognition of the fact that, ever since Bill and Monica, we’ve all been forced to learn much more than we’d like to about the intimate details of politicians’ sex lives. Vito Fossella may not be a governor or a president, but his story has clearly reached the lurid point that demands induction into the Index. And so we present this breakdown of what we know so far about Vito’s secret life:
Necessary Info: Arrested for drunk driving. Maintained an extramarital affair for years, developing into a secret second family living in Virginia.
Important Info: May have used tax-payer money for a trip with his girlfriend to France.
Useless Info: Was mean to his gay sister.
Titillating Info: Impregnated mistress Laura Fay while his daughter Rowan (by his wife, Mary Pat) was less than 1 year old.
Too Much Info: At the start of their affair, when Fay was an Air Force liaison to Congress, their sexual fling was so mind-blowing that she couldn’t function at work and got transferred.
Please, No More Info: Thank God we haven’t reached this point, yet. But it’s inevitable. This week, probably.
Almost there, Vito! Just one little revelation about Halloween masks and an Eskimo sex slave and you’ll make it!