We are, for once, in total agreement with the Post, which this morning referred to the news that Feds won’t force Mary-Kate Olsen to tell them what she knows about Heath Ledger’s death as “vexing.” Apparently, the Manhattan U.S. Attorney’s Office has a subpoena and could compel her to testify but won’t because why? They’re pussying out for some reason. But they must have the same questions we have: Why would Mary-Kate insist on immunity unless she had done something wrong and, therefore, what could the wrong thing possibly be? Would it even be interesting? Is she afraid of being capped for her testimony by lackeys of a scarred Colombian drug kingpin or something? Why is she tormenting us like this? How was she even friends with Heath Ledger, can’t she just say? And wait, how did the Olsen twins get rich and famous again? Was it really just Full House and Holiday in the Sun and stuff? Is she waiting 25 years so that she can disclose all this information in a hardcover memoir? If so, fuck you, Mary-Kate.
See? We really are vexed, probably because we’re used to having these kinds of crime dramas solved for us in under an hour. If this were The Closer, Kyra Sedgwick would bring M-K in on a routine fashion violation and have her talking in no time.