Now, as much as people hate to admit it, Star magazine is usually right about things. But even so, we’ll take their most recent, chilling story with a grain of salt because, well, it’s just so hideous. According to a spy, Oscar winner Sean Penn and Oscar wannabe Natalie Portman were busted making out at the Sunset Towers in Los Angeles. The spy was returning from the bathroom when it happened. “I had to go through some curtains — and that’s when I interrupted Sean and Natalie!” the source reports. “When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves.” They composed themselves? What about us? We’ve never pretended to care about Sean Penn’s personal life (don’t tell us you really spent time wondering whether he really “thanked Robin Wright Penn in private”?), but Natalie? She’s a young, smart, talented, beautiful New Yorker. She’s just like us! And we would never, ever make out with Sean Penn (unless it was to make Madonna jealous). Just because she wants some of that Oscar magic really badly doesn’t mean she has to try to get it to literally rub off on her. (Shudder.)
Like, what if Anne Hathaway made out with Philip Seymour Hoffman? That’s no more gross. Or Zac Efron and Geena Davis? Dakota Fanning and Forrest Whitaker? Colin Hanks and Whoopi Goldberg? Mamie Gummer and Jack Nicholson? Scarlett Johansson and Benicio Del Toro? Wait, that last one happened. Anyway, regardless, it’s objectionable. And if we have to imagine what it looked like, well, you should have to, too.
Natalie Portman caught with Sean Penn [Superficial]