Gossip Girl star Jessica Szohr will make her major feature-film debut next spring in a big-budget film alongside Oscar winner Richard Dreyfuss, Oscar nominee Elisabeth Shue, and Golden Globe winner Ving Rhames. Sounds great, right? After all, even her more famous castmates like Ed Westwick, Chace Crawford, and Leighton Meester have only been in mainly B-movies (no offense, Leighton! We loved The Haunting of Sorority Row!). In fact, only Blake Lively (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), Connor Paolo (Alexander), and Taylor Momsen (How the Grinch Stole Christmas) have been in bigger-budget movies than the project in which Szohr will be starring. Unfortunately, she’s going to get eaten by piranhas.
How do we know? Oh, Jessica, allow us to walk through the logic for you:
1. The movie in which she’s set to star is called Piranhas 3-D.
2. It’s a movie about piranhas.
3. It’s in 3-D.
4. It’s directed by Alexandre Aja, who is best known for directing The Hills Have Eyes, a movie where nearly everyone who is not a baby or child is killed, eaten, or anally raped by mutants.
5. Like the original 1978 cult classic, “the movie centers on a lakeside town being terrorized by prehistoric man-eating razor-toothed fish.” Sorry, Jessica, but if you can’t resist an omnivorous Bass, you’re going to be useless in front of a prehistoric man-eating piranha.
6. There are at least three more-famous people in the movie. By the laws of horror-film physics, she has to die.
7. Szohr will play “Kelly, a hot young townie caught up in the excitement of co-eds who have descended upon the area for spring break.” Um, come on.
Yeah, she’s got no chance. Jennifer Lopez’s career survived Anaconda, but that was because her character survived it as well. Jessica, we’re rooting for you — but if the piranhas can walk on land, we’re not holding our breath.