After a three-month suspension from the U.S. swim team for getting photographed smoking marijuana, Michael Phelps officially returned to the pool today. And, can we just say, it’s not a moment too soon. He’s lost twenty pounds of muscle in the past two months! He couldn’t even crack a walnut between those pecs now. (Luckily, though, you could still exfoliate your face with his abdominal terrain.) Phelps, for his part, says he didn’t even realize his ban was over, but will compete next week in a meet in Charlotte, N.C., for the first time since he won eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics and proved every other athlete in the world obsolete. (We wonder if other swimmers can hear him chuckling through the water as they inhale his wake of bubbles?) “I’m happy to be back in the water and be back in semi-shape,” he said. “We’ll see how it goes … I’m happy to have some structure back in my life.” No offense, Mikey, but screw your life. Get some structure back in those boobs.
- one question per reporter, then yield floor and microphone.
- followup question “may be permitted.” Then yield floor and microphone.
- “failure to abide” may result in suspension/revocation” of WH press pass.