Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Hot Young Thing Shacking Up With a Divorcé, 23, female, Williamsburg, straight, in a relationship
11:55 a.m.: I work at a Brooklyn construction company. My overweight and slightly vulgar co-worker explains how his new pup wakes him up every morning by vigorously humping his arm. I think he secretly enjoys it.
5:45 p.m.: Itching to go home. I recently moved in with my 33-year-old boyfriend upstate. We’ve been inseparable since we met four months ago.
6:33 p.m.: At home, roughhousing with the boyfriend on the bed. It is at this moment that he feels the need to inform me that there are elderly people in Florida who have sex at least five times a day.
6:34 p.m.: Boyfriend is still rambling about old people. I distract him by slapping a Bioré strip on his nose and send him away.
6:39 p.m.: I yell downstairs to ask the boy if it is hard yet. I mean the nose strip, but … I left that one open.
9:28 p.m.: Boyfriend is on the phone. I flirt. When we first started dating I thought our sex drives would be different because we are ten years apart, but he’s like a tiger, which is also my nickname for him.
9:50 p.m.: Have amazing sex, incredible orgasm. Lots of panting, moaning, and screaming.
7:40 a.m.: I’m driving the boyfriend’s car into work. I smile, remembering our first date when we went for drinks at a cute little bar, sipping on sangria, and finished it off by having mind-blowing sex in the front seat, parked.
Noon: Thinking about us. He’s divorced, and if we have any problems it stems from that. The home I live in with him was their first home together, and she’s present everywhere, in every corner and crevice. I hate that.
3:42 p.m.: I’m at work, bored out of my mind. I begin to fantasize about sex in the office after everyone leaves.
4:15 p.m.: I send an e-mail to a client. I sign it “should you need any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.” For some reason it makes me think of cheesy porn.
8:14 p.m.: Boyfriend is playing softball with friends. I text nudie pictures. Maybe he will come home faster.
11:11 p.m.: The both of us are laying in bed. We see a ‘KY His and Hers’ commercial. Agree we must try product.
11:27 a.m.: I’m at work. I suddenly become very horny and need to be satisfied, even if it’s just mentally for now. I demand a perverted e-mail from the boyfriend before lunch.
11:41 a.m.: His response is that Pepe (his penis) misses Pebbles (my vagina). I told him it wasn’t good enough, try again.
11:58 a.m.: The next e-mail includes the words “tongue … gliding … inner thighs … fingers … clit … moaning.” I want to go home. NOW.
2:51 p.m.: On my way home from work. Pass a street named Fort Slocum. Thinking of moving.
8:20 p.m.: Draw ejaculating penis and breast shapes on the foggy shower door. Entice boyfriend to join me in shower. He does. Shower sex ensues.
5:48 a.m.: Experience very vivid sex dream of boyfriend going down on me. Wake up wet and extremely horny. He’s asleep, though.
10:43 a.m.: Friend is speaking to me on AIM about an inch-wide growth near her vagina. Not so very horny anymore. Actually makes me want to run to the bathroom and check my own. I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac.
11:25 p.m.: The boy and I just got home from a baseball game. I proceed to hit a home run myself.
10:13 a.m.: Boyfriend is in the shower. When he asks me to join him I decline. He proceeds to run out naked, wet, and sexy, and lay on top of me until I give in.
10:16 p.m.: Laying in bed watching a movie. I go down on the boyfriend.
11:05 p.m.: Boyfriend returns the favor. First time I have ever experienced an orgasm by having a man go down on me. One of the most amazing orgasms I have ever had, EVER. Wow.
9 a.m.: The boyfriend has morning wood. Big log. Too bad we have to rush to his mom’s for breakfast.
12:09 p.m.: The boyfriend tries to get into my pants while he’s driving. He has no window tints, but that never really stopped us before. I remember getting it on while he was driving once, after I’d had a few glasses of wine. It was so hot. Halfway through he jerked himself off.
1:04 p.m.: Trying to figure out what Chinese year it is. I say the year of the cock. No?
11:04 a.m.: Fat co-worker still rambles about crazy humping dog.
8:35 p.m.: Driving home, I look into the car next to me. Girl lifts head from boyfriend’s lap. She sees me and laughs out of sheer embarrassment. Busted.
10:18 p.m.: Boyfriend pretends to need towel for shower and comes out of bathroom naked to put on a show. Gosh, I love his penis.
TOTALS: One act of cunnilingus, with orgasm; two acts of fellatio; four acts of intercourse; one instance of friend-induced STD paranoia.