Little Lolita Butler, the pug, was minding her own business, walking down Broadway near 14th Street with her dad yesterday afternoon when suddenly, she was approached by the tall, dark figure. Lolita shied away from the stranger, but he came after her, quickly invading her space. He leaned in and brought his face down close to hers, slowly, steadily breathing down on her with his hot, wet breath. It was terrifying!
What happens next is under dispute: According to one eyewitness, the rogue stranger then brutally, and surprisingly, bit Lolita’s neck, twice. Her dad, the actor Gerard Butler, swooped in to defend her, swatting away the offender and hectoring his companions.
The companions, Fred and Maria Varecka, claim that their friend Mayfly, a greyhound, was just trying to make friends, and that Butler flew off the handle in defense of Lily. But obviously, they’re in the wrong here, for two reasons: First, celebrities are always right. And second, for too long we New Yorkers have stood by and watched idly as small, female dogs are accosted, sniffed, and even occasionally DRY-HUMPED by big-bruiser male dogs. We’ve all come to think that somehow this is okay. But frankly, it’s time for this to stop.