Short of hiding a saw in a cake, something we once witnessed the McDuck family do on Ducktales, the Douglas family has just participated in the most cartoonish prison smuggling attempt we’ve ever heard of. Cameron Douglas, who is in custody under accusations of running a bicoastal crystal-meth-selling operation, was sitting in a conference room in the Pearl Street Courthouse in downtown Manhattan when his girlfriend, Kelly Sott, passed him some personal items for him to use in prison. One of them was an electric toothbrush, inside of which were hidden several dime bags of heroin. Of course it’s outrageous that someone would attempt such a move in a house of justice, but what’s even more upsetting is that it’s the kind of ruse any 11-year-old at summer camp would have found pathetic. Really? What, there were no teddy bears whose arms you could fill with cocaine and resew back on? No flashlights you could reload with Special K? No comic book you could leaf with LSD tabs? This is amateur hour, here. Even Cameron’s 6- and 9-year-old half-siblings, pictured here with him, Sott, and their parents, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, could have told her to at least try cutting out the cushion space in a pair of Nike Airs.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and then maybe a few weeks into January — that’s when you really gotta sit down, talk to your advisers and say, ‘Look, do I have a chance?’ I think I know why I would want to run. I think I know what I think this country should do and what I would do. But I just don’t know whether it’s possible.