After testing the supposed skull of Adolf Hitler which has been held by the Russians ever since soldiers recovered the Führer’s burnt corpse in a ditch outside of his bunker in 1945 (they cremated it years later, except the skull and jaw) a team of scientists from the University of Connecticut has concluded that it actually couldn’t be Hitler’s skull at all, but that of a woman who died under the age of 40. This raises some tantalizing possibilities, which we list below in descending order of plausibility:
• The Russians removed the wrong corpse from the ditch outside Hitler’s bunker.
• The right corpse was removed, but at some point in the past 60 years it was switched, purposely or by mistake, with the skull previously thought to be Hitler’s skull. The real skull is in the private collection of some rich Russian oligarch, or in a secret underground government vault.
• Hitler escaped the bunker and lived out the rest of his life as an unassuming shop clerk in a small German town, selling cheese and dry goods until he died without notice in the mid-seventies.
• Hitler was actually a woman under 40.
• Hitler escaped and is still walking around somewhere. Keep your eyes peeled for a 120-year-old German man, because he’s probably Hitler.