Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Lily Bart in House of Mirth. She had balls despite being so tragic. And Brooks Ashmanskas, for telling me to read his favorite book.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
A ridiculous dinner at Stanton Social last year. Those French onion soup dumplings are indescribable. And I hope that if the manager of that fine establishment reads this, the free plug will result in free dumplings.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I get figuratively naked in front of perfect strangers for three hours a night and get applause for it.
Would you live here on a $35,000 salary?
I think you mean, HOW do you live here on a $35,000 salary? And the answer would be, I’m not quite sure, but I do.
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
Do you give money to panhandlers?
Only if they’re truly talented. There’s a woman on the A [train] who plays a beat-up snare drum and always performs the same rap: “Ain’t no joke, for real I’m broke.” She is the lucky recipient of much loose change.
What’s your drink?
Ketel One and soda, splash of cranberry.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
Once a week, but I do make really good French press coffee.
What’s your favorite medication?
Episodes of Project Runway.
What’s hanging above your sofa?
Nothing … a cloud of shame, I suppose.
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
New. I’ll take rickety red folding chairs and fat tourists over gridlock any day.
What do you think of Donald Trump?
If he’s played by Darrell Hammond, I find him entertaining. If he’s played by himself, I find him bloated.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
The fucking MTA. The words “shuttle bus” make me want to die.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Those kids who do flips and break-dancing moves on the subway. So invasive. I guess they’re talented in their own right, but not like the crack addicts.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
Over Christmas, and I drove straight to an Applebee’s. I love middle-American chain restaurants that serve bread sticks.
How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
What’s Wall Street?
Times, Post, or Daily News?
Times. Come on, that’s a loaded question. Post makes you trashy and Daily News makes you irrelevant.
What makes someone a New Yorker?
Gracefully gliding upstream on a crowded sidewalk like a spawning salmon.