Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Bisexual Production Assistant Sleeping With Everyone Except Her Boyfriend, Who’s a Virgin: 23, female, New Jersey (unfortunately), bisexual, in a new relationship.
1:30 p.m.: I had some pretty racy dreams, so when I finally wake up, I’m horny. I look up one of my favorite videos of a girl playing with herself, and masturbate before doing my housework for the week.
6:30 p.m.: My friend and I decide to go see a movie. She asks me to pick her up at 7.
6:50 p.m.: I figure I have time to rub one out before I go pick her up.
7:10 p.m.: My friend is pissed that I’m late. We wind up seeing a later show and she stays in a bad mood the rest of the night.
10:15 p.m.: Time for bed, since I have to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to get into work by 7:30 a.m. Still feeling pretty horny, so I masturbate to the thought of a cute co-worker.
10:30 p.m.: Mid-orgasm, I realize that my cute co-worker might be gay. Deciding he isn’t, I proceed to have quite possibly the best orgasm I have ever given or received. Thank you and good-night.
7:10 a.m.: On the train. Everything I smell today is extraordinarily potent. Do some quick math. Have I had my period since the last time I slept with a man? I can’t remember.
7:20 a.m.: It was my Theater/Fuck Buddy. Pretty sure I had my period since then. Comforted by the fact that (a) we used condoms, and (b) he finished on my chest.
1:20 p.m.: Cute Co-worker that I’ve been fantasizing about put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. I can’t tell if that’s just his personality or if he’s flirting. Please be flirting!
3 p.m.: Some online flirting with a Sometimes Sex Partner. Maybe I’ll webcam with him later.
4:35 p.m.: I met a girl last week at a concert and we’ve been keeping in touch online. I can’t tell if I have a girl crush or a real crush on her.
5:35 p.m.: Awkward conversation with my sister: “Are you sleeping with anyone?” I don’t know how to answer that without sounding like a slut.
5:36 p.m.: I’ve been not-dating a boy for three months, until he went away for a week last week. Without the title, he’s my boyfriend and I’m his girlfriend. But since there’s no title, I’ve of course had occasional play/threesomes with two of my female friends, and a few quickies with my Theater/Fuck Buddy. Also, my Non-Boyfriend is a virgin and we’ve only ever made it to second base. Once. Yeah, not telling my sister.
6:35 p.m.: Staff meeting and I’m sitting in the eye line of my Cute Co-worker. I’m avoiding eye contact with him as I scribble furiously in my notebook, trying not to imagine his face between my thighs.
7:30 p.m.: More office flirtation with Cute Co-worker. He loves saying my last name; I love hearing him say it.
8:07 p.m.: On the train ride home, a Silver Fox in a suit begins across-the-aisle flirtation. Cute businessmen like him make the commute much more tolerable.
8:27 p.m.: Dammit. Just noticed his wedding ring.
10:10 p.m.: As I’m falling asleep, I get a text from the Sometimes Sex Partner I was flirting with online today. I suggest he call me to tell me what he’d do to me if he were here.
10:12 p.m.: Ring, ring. Phone sex! Mostly we just moan while we pleasure our respective organs.
6:25 a.m.: Back on the train to work. Close my eyes and replay my perfect kiss good-bye with Non-Boyfriend.
10:30 p.m.: Still at work, miserable and exhausted. I call the Non-Boyfriend, who just got back from his week of training, and he made me feel much less miserable.
11:45 p.m.: Finally leaving work. I ride the elevator down with Cute Co-worker. I wish I could say we got to know each other biblically, but we did get to know each other in terms of where we both grew up.
6:10 a.m.: On the train. This job is going to kill me.
10:15 a.m.: My Theater/Fuck Buddy instant messages me with immediate flirtation. He says he misses my sex.
12:35 p.m.: Back and forth between doing actual work and having sexy talk with Theater/Fuck Buddy. He sends me a picture message of his erect penis.
1:35 p.m.: Instant message from my friend’s girlfriend. They have been begging me to have a threesome with them for years. I’d have sex with her, but not him. Awkward.
2:30 p.m.: I’m having naughty talk with three different people online. One is the friend’s girlfriend, one is the Theater/Fuck Buddy, and the other is the Sometimes Sex Partner. My life is hilarious.
3:15 p.m.: Theater/Fuck Buddy and I are talking about our sex and he’s asking me how to improve his cunnilingus skills. I suggest he flattens his tongue and goes slower; I hope we can test that out soon.
8:30 p.m.: Back in New Jersey and I go to see the Non-Boyfriend. This is going to be tough.
9:45 p.m.: We’re sitting together on the couch and all of his friends are hanging out. He puts his arm around me in public (he’s never done that before).
10:20 p.m.: I surreptitiously send a picture of my pedicured toes to my Theater/Fuck Buddy. He has a fetish for them.
12:30 a.m.: I decide that it’s the time to give my Non-Boyfriend his going-away present. I hand him the box. He loves it, throws his arms around me, and kisses me a few times. You’re the best, he says, and kisses me again.
4 a.m.: Since I have to be up for work by 5:30, we figure it’s time for me to go. He hugs me good-bye and I can feel him shaking. Then we start kissing.
4:05 a.m.: We start making out. Heavy petting.
4:30 a.m.: I’m pretty sure he had an orgasm (over our clothes, standing in his foyer). It’s really time for me to go.
6:10 a.m.: On the train, crying the whole way in. I think I might have fallen in love with him, and now he’s gone.
9:10 p.m.: I’m in bed and feel better. I masturbate thinking about my Non-Boyfriend, then fall asleep immediately after I orgasm.
10 a.m.: Walking from the subway to work I hear both “sucky-sucky” and “nice legs, honey” commented in my general direction. Thank you, creepy old men. But really, it does help my self-esteem.
11:30 a.m.: More flirtation with my Cute Co-worker. He has such a beautiful smile and beautiful lips that I can’t stop thinking about kissing.
4 p.m.: Cute Co-worker puts his hand on the small of my back to get my attention while I talk to someone. I really hope he doesn’t notice the goosebumps on my arm.
9:30 p.m.: Still at work, doing a project for Cute Co-worker’s team. He says “I love you,” in regard to the fact that I’m working hard and doing a great job. I melt a little.
10:45 p.m.: I get a text message from my ex-girlfriend as I’m pulling back into town. She says she’s in town; I suggest we get a drink.
11:30 p.m.: One drink has already turned into two, thanks to the guy with bad tattoos across the bar from us who bought us a Jäger bomb.
Midnight: Bad Tattoos bought us a SoCo and lime. She and I are talking about our failed relationship; the alcohol is making her sentimental and is making me horny.
12:30 a.m.: He buys us another drink, and I invite her to come back to my place. As soon as I say it, I pray that she didn’t hear me.
1 a.m.: We go outside for a cigarette. She kisses my cheek and I tell her it’s okay if she kisses me on the lips. We start making out in front of the bar.
1:30 a.m.: Holding hands and making out, we find our way to a friend’s house. At this point my buzz has worn off and I don’t want to be around her anymore.
2 a.m.: She’s hanging all over me but I just want to go to bed. I tell her that I need to get home and surprisingly she’s okay with that. We make plans to hang out next week, even though I know I won’t call her. For whatever reason, I pull her close and we make out for a few minutes. God, she has some great tits. I miss them, if nothing else.
2:30 a.m.: I’m horny, so I just crawl into bed naked. I furiously masturbate for about twenty minutes, have an extremely wet orgasm, and fall asleep.
8 a.m.: Wake up with a bit of a hangover and wait for the cable guy to come install the Internet. I toy with the fantasy of having anonymous sex with him, à la bad porn.
11 a.m.: The cable guy shows up and is a gorgeous Puerto Rican man. I follow him around like a puppy, but chicken out.
9 p.m.: Visiting my sisters, and thinking about my Non-Boyfriend all day. We’ve been texting and he’s been talking as though he IS my boyfriend. Start to feel guilty about making out with my ex-girlfriend.
10:30 p.m.: Non-Boyfriend texts me and mentions us having sexy time when I visit. He never talks about sexy time! We change the subject fairly quickly, but I’m still very excited.
11:57 p.m.: Time for me to go to sleep. My phone is dead, but I keep replaying his text message in my mind. Maybe I’ll become his girlfriend and take his virginity yet.
TOTALS: Five acts of masturbation, one act of phone sex, one act of heavy petting, one make-out-and-leave with ex-girlfriend, multiple instances of office flirtation.