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Real Housewives Rescue Charlie Sheen From Briefcase of Blow

You didn’t think Charlie Sheen was going to stop with a bender at the Plaza with a porn star did you? This time, in the rock-bottom mad libs that is Charlie Sheen’s life (vessel for housing cocaine + name of nubile porn star who will later express surprise at how events unfolded + hospital visit + poorly fabricated cover story), the actor was partying with a designer “briefcase full of cocaine” and multiple porn stars at his home in Beverly Hills when things took a turn for the worse. Paramedics were called, and Sheen was rushed to Cedar-Senai to treat “severe abdominal pains,” which were caused by a hiatal hernia. Kacey Jordan, a 22-year-old adult-film star (a different blonde than his reported favorite, Bree Olson, AVN-award winner for best anal 2008) stumbled against a wall as she gave TMZ a “blow-by-blow” of last night’s party. “When I first saw him, he was just fucking wasted out of his mind, which I was trying to get to that point too. Trust me.” Oh, we do.

As Jordan describes it, it was more of a Gucci messenger bag than a briefcase, from which the “professional”-looking dealer dumped out “five K- balls, huge like the size of my fist; we’re talking twenty grand I swear in coke,” which Sheen proceeded to smoke from a green pipe as he screened selections from his extensive X-rated film collection in the theater room before recruiting Jacobs to be the blonde missing from his entourage. She agreed because, “I want a blue Bentley. The other girl got one, it’s proof.”

Because it’s Charlie Sheen, he called a reality-show plastic surgeon when the medical trouble started. Dr. Paul Nassif, husband of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Adrienne Maloof-Nassif. Well, she is the show’s one calming influence. The couple, who called 911, told People, “We did receive a call from Charlie’s house this morning, asking for medical assistance and advice.”

On Conan earlier this week, John Cryer quipped, “I’m checking TMZ, as I do every day to know if I have to go to work at all.” Starting at 2:58, watch Duckie explain why it doesn’t seem odd when Charlie Sheen tells you someone stole his car and drove it off a cliff. Twice.

Charlie Sheen hospitalized after wild bash [NYP]
Real Housewives Stars Called 911 for Charlie Sheen [People]
Charlie’s Porn Star Gives a Blow-by-Blow Account [TMZ]
Wait, wasn’t Jon Cryer *joking* about Charlie Sheen on Conan? [LAT]

Real Housewives Rescue Charlie Sheen From Briefcase of Blow