Before last week’s presidential debate, we heard a lot about the candidates’ pre-written “zingers,” which threatened to turn a sober discussion of policy into a playground yo mamma! bout. After so much build-up, the zinger quotient was depressingly slim. But tonight, Paul “Hey Girl” Ryan and Joe “Big Fucking Deal” Biden — two men who are used to saying whatever they want and getting away with it — will get another chance. So why not just go all out and take some insults from Veep, HBO’s foul-mouthed depiction of the office they’re fighting for? With inspiration from fictional vice-president Selina Meyer and her team of F-bombing misanthropes, we’ve repurposed a few of the show’s best insults.
Biden on arrival …
“Wazzup, as they say in the late nineties.”
Ryan on the last four years …
“You have put this office in a salad spinner of fuck.”
Biden on Medicare vouchers …
“It’s like trying to use a croissant for a fucking dildo. It doesn’t do the job and it makes a fucking mess.”
Biden on Romney …
“He’s mediocre. Of all the -ocres, he’s the mediest.”
Ryan on Biden’s relationship with Obama …
“How many times have you talked to the president today?” [Biden: “Four times.”] “And in each of those, did he say, ‘Someone get this freak the fuck away from me’?”
Ryan on the 47 percent …
“I’ve met some real people, okay? And I’ve got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.”
Biden on Ryan’s muscles …
“You know, I can see right through your shirt. Is it designed that way?”
Ryan on Biden’s age …
“We need somebody who’s plugged in. The only thing Joe’s plugged into is his fucking piss bag.”
Biden on his psyche …
“I’m a political leper and an emotional time bomb, so here’s an idea, let’s put me onstage.”
Ryan’s closing statement …
“What I’m saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I’ve been trying to cynically use you but you’re so fucking low rent that you can’t even be exploited.”
Biden’s closing statement …
“I’m the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers!”
