Since a 24-year-old American was detained in North Korea on April 10 — the third U.S. citizen currently being held in the country, Matthew Miller was sentenced to six years of hard labor this week for “hostile acts to the DPRK” — boy-king Kim Jong-un has visited a lube factory, examined some high heels, and gone to the aquarium.
That’s life as a young dictator, when constant factory visits and photo ops are your main connection to the outside world. While citizens starve and prisoners are tortured, there are cigarettes to smoke and Swiss cheese to eat. And what a summer of tours it was!
With all the laughter that trails Kim wherever he and his endless expertise go, you’d think he had the unchecked power to execute anyone who didn’t happen to think he was the most magnetic person in the world:
“These need to be about this much longer to fit me.”
“Wait, seriously, you guys have to eat this shit?”
“I’ll take this one for the seventh bathroom on the third floor.”
“I prefer the cucumber melon.”
“Do you have these in an eight-and-a-half?”
“Finally, the panoramic shark-tank torture device we’ve been waiting for.”
“I fathered all of the cute ones who never cry or poop.”
“They can use these as pillows, too, right? Kidding!”
“Where’s the beef! Get it, like the Wendy’s commericial? … No?”
“I only come here for the ashtray.”
“Get one of me and my best friends for Instagram.”