Last week, a spider climbed into a man’s appendix scar and lived inside his body for three days. That was pretty awful and all, but that spider was about the size of the head of a matchstick. So scientists, who are increasingly becoming the nation’s lead nightmare manufacturers, are back with another horrifying discovery: meet the puppy-size spider.
The “Goliath Birdeater” is the world’s largest spider, and it’s “as big as a child’s forearm” and “weighs as much as a puppy.” Scientists recently stumbled upon one in the rainforests of Guyana and were shocked to realize what they found was not, in fact, a cute tiny mammal, but instead a hairy hell-beast sent from the planet Oh Hell Nah.
The Goliath Birdeater — which doesn’t actually eat birds — has fangs that, if it bit you, would feel like “driving a nail through your hand.”
Suddenly rat mites seem so much less gross.