Last Wednesday, you would have had a hard time finding a local-news station that wasn’t talking about Deez Nuts — a 15-year-old independent presidential candidate from Iowa who was doing surprisingly well in North Carolina polls despite being not old enough to vote or be president in 2016.
According to the Center for Public Integrity, 249 people with names that have questionable relationships with reality have filed the necessary paperwork to run for president, sparking a storm of kid-tested, Federal Election Committee–approved joke names not seen since Stephen Colbert said the name Munchma Quchi when discussing his super-pac donors in 2011.
Deez Nuts now faces competition from Dis Pussy, Butt Stuff, Dat Ass, Dem Balls, Tyrone Longdick, Doge Wow, Cranky Pants, ’Murican Cookies, Beast Mode, Tom Brady Sketch, Mr. Ronald Reagan’s Ghost, Captain Crunch, Queen Elsa Ice, Elsa is Bae, Jeffrey Dahmer, Joe Biden from Wilmington, and Joe Biden from Trap Queen Avenue. Unfortunately for all these new candidates, there is no guarantee that their attempt to ride Deez Nuts’ coattails will be successful; he’s already chosen his VP pick — Kentucky cat Limberbutt McCubbins.
For those intent on voting for nobody next year — and facing a shrinking roster of options — Mickey Mouse still hasn’t announced.
The Federal Election Committee could fine those who announce presidential bids with fake names, the Center for Public Integrity notes — the Department of Justice could even prosecute Dat Ass if it wanted to. However, the FEC, which has to deal with every single one of these filings, already has such a dearth of resources that it isn’t likely to follow up, leaving fed-up employees with few opportunities for revenge, but endless amusing anecdotes about the government making them deal with Butt Stuff at work.
