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This Harrowing Message-Board Thread About a Man Getting Eaten by a Couch Might Save Your Life

Six months ago, one man lived the nightmare that we all hold in the back of our minds: What if you fell into a fold-out couch and couldn’t get out?

Last July, this waking nightmare finally caught up with Dank, a poster on the message board the Coli (“The Premier Sports, Hip Hop, & Urban Lifestyle Forum on the Internet”) who became lodged in the furniture without his cell phone. (Standard story-from-the-internet disclaimer: This is a story from the internet. Not just from the internet, but from a message board. So take it with a grain of salt.)

Out brave hero did what anyone would do in that situation: He took out his (Wi-Fi-enabled) iPod and posted to his favorite forum:

Here’s how it went. I slept the night at my homies house, and he has a foldout couch I was on.It tilted back and I slid inside the couch. The bed then went back to normal.He doesn’t have his phone with him so I can’t text him to come save me. I’m embarrassed and mad at the same damn time. Also, I’m typing this on my iPod. My phone is literally on the other side of the couch, and I can’t get too it. :/

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He even provided a photo for proof and, as any dutiful board member would, live-posted throughout his ordeal, despite low battery life:

I’m at about 20% battery life. This dude is still knocked out … been like this for the past hour. His mother is coming home in 30. So I think I should be straight.

EDIT: Been searching for a way to download a calling app, and nothing is working

He was eventually rescued by his friend’s mom and stuck around to answer questions:

No, I’m out man haha. His mother came home thank god. She thought it was hilarious …
My homie is laughing at me … I won’t be living this down anytime soon

How long was he in there? “About 1 hour and 20 minutes.” Did he learn anything from the experience? “I’m not getting comfortable on ANYONES couch, so this experience won’t repeat itself.” He even gave a detailed explanation of how he ended up inside the couch:

People saying “Why didn’t you just lift it up” & “How that happened, you skinny are some something lol?” Since its quite unusual I’ll explain lol

I was sitting up on the head board side of the couch. I felt it start to teeter back and I lost my balance and laid over. This put more weight on the couch so it stood nearly straight up. At this point I slid down into the area the foldout couch stays. I couldn’t get out through the cushions, because I was literally behind the area where the cushions are kept.I couldn’t even get enough leverage to lift the bed back up from the inside.

But, most important, he gave advice on what to do if you ever live this nightmare. Read carefully, because this hack could save your life.

Don’t panic. And IF you have to. Find a metal object within the couch, and cut your way out.

Man Just Barely Escapes Getting Eaten by Couch