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7 New Smart Objects That Are Probably Too Smart

What a time to be alive.

Another CES, another year of manufacturers really trying to make the whole “internet of things” happen. To make this a reality, you need to cram a Wi-Fi or Bluetooth antenna in as many things as possible. Sure, pretty much any connected device is just another hack waiting to happen, but when you can get your insoles to talk to you, isn’t that worth the risk? Here’s some of what’s been debuted so far.

U by Moen

Isn’t it time your shower started taking care of “U”? And connected to the internet and your smartphone? The U by Moen will do just that, by having an LCD panel that will regulate water temperature, set timers for anybody who uses too much water, and allow you to start the shower while still in bed. In a press release, senior director of wholesale marketing Andy Conroy says, “At Moen, we thought — why not connected water?” Why not, indeed!

Kérastase Hair Coach

Are you brushing your hair just by feel every morning? You idiot! You’re probably destroying your hair, and you’ll soon be bald like the witches in that movie The Witches. But here comes the Kérastase Hair Coach, built by L’Oréal. It’ll stop your dum-dum hair-brushing ways with a smartphone app that will tell you how often you brush your hair (you’re probably not even keeping track!). It’ll also cause your hairbrush to vibrate if you’re brushing too hard, like those dog collars that shock the dog if it barks too loud. Perfect hair, here I come.

Smart Cane by Dring

Ever wished your pawpaw’s cane looked like the power button on a Dell desktop? Hey, presto, you’re in luck. The Smart Cane is basically a Medic-Alert bracelet, except it’ll only really work if someone is using the cane. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay $100 more for a cane!

Feetme Smart Insoles

The promise of the quantified self has, so far, largely eluded how you trudge around every day. But no more: Feetme smart insoles will analyze exactly how you walk, send that information to your smartphone, and guide you to a better stride. As Feetme puts it: “Walk like never before.”

Griffin Connected Toaster

For years, consumers have struggled with getting their bread toasted just right. Griffin ends this nightmare with its connected toaster, which will let me use my smartphone to adjust the temperature settings for bread type and level of darkness. And no more vicious fights about what the toast should look like, because the app remembers individual user preferences. The toaster that will save a thousand marriages.

Griffin Connected Mirror

The mirror, one of the best ways to remind yourself of what you look like, has been a dumb object for far too long. This year, Griffin has created the connected mirror, which, in addition to showing you your face and parts of your body, will also display the temperature and status messages from other Griffin products.

Sleep Number 360 Smart Bed

At the end of a long day of blogging, all I want to do is fall into bed. But, ugh, so often the bed is either too firm or not firm enough. Even worse, once I’m asleep, the bed does absolutely nothing during my slumber. But the Sleep Number 360 Smart Bed changes all that. Not only can two people set their own firmness level, but the bed will continuously adjust itself throughout the night to make sure you stay dead asleep. Also: There’s a foot warmer at the base of the bed. Fuck off, socks! I’ve got a Sleep Number 360 Smart Bed.

7 New Smart Objects That Are Probably Too Smart