President’s Medical Report Was Actually Written by Dr. Donald Trump

President by day, fake doctor by night.

During the 2016 campaign, Donald Trump’s longtime physician Dr. Harold Bornstein released a letter proclaiming that the 70-year-old, exercise-averse candidate would be the healthiest president ever. “His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary,” the letter said. “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Many were suspicious of this document, which consisted of four similarly hyperbolic paragraphs, especially after Hillary Clinton released a normal, detailed medical report as Trump tried to portray her as too feeble for the presidency.

But on Tuesday Dr. Bornstein shared some information with CNN that puts the letter in a new light: Trump composed it himself. “He dictated that whole letter. I didn’t write that letter,” Bornstein said. “I just made it up as I went along.”

Bornstein explained that Trump called him as he and his wife were driving through Central Park, reading off the language he wanted in the letter. “(Trump) dictated the letter and I would tell him what he couldn’t put in there,” he said. “They came to pick up their letter at four o’clock or something.”

“That’s black humor, that letter. That’s my sense of humor,” Bornstein added. “It’s like the movie Fargo: It takes the truth and moves it in a different direction.”

Clearly, this is a shocking and unfortunate situation. Much like when Trump was forced to adopt the pseudonym “John Barron” in the ‘80s because no real publicist was up to the task of lying about his wealth, or when he (possibly) impersonated his second wife Marla Maples to get the iconic headline “Best Sex I’ve Ever Had” on the cover of the New York Post, he found no doctor could adequately describe his Steve Rogers-like physical condition and resorted to doing it himself.

Trump’s mistake was involving a real person in this process this time. Earlier on Tuesday Bornstein said he’s upset that Trump stopped seeing him just because he publicly revealed that he takes a hair-growth drug. He also claimed that he felt “raped, frightened, and sad” when Trump’s thugs showed up to seize his medical files.

Since the president just lost his White House physician, Dr. Ronny Jackson, it might be time to think about bringing Dr. Donald Trump on board. He can’t get upset about his office being raided, as he keeps all of the president’s incredibly impressive medical records in his head. And there’s an added bonus: Dr. Trump also has a degree in psychology:

President’s Medical Report Was Written by Dr. Donald Trump