Everything You Don’t Want to Know About Your Kid’s Sex Life

  Have you ever…   |   Kids   |   Parents   |   All Responses  

To figure out what teens are up to when their parents aren’t watching, we gave 53 boys and 47 girls from four Manhattan high schools (Dalton, La Guardia, Beacon, and MLK) a “purity test,” a series of 37 questions designed to tease out exactly how far they go. Then we went after 100 parents—not the parents of the kids we polled, but parents with kids in the same teen demographic. (We would have liked to administer a take-home purity test, but alas.) We found them—54 moms and 46 dads—in midtown, and put them to the test, with one difference: We asked them to guess their own teens’ answers. As you’ll see, the high schoolers and the parents live on fairly different planets.

Have you ever…     …kissed someone?   Students say:

96   Parents think their own teen has:

74   …gone on a date?  

93

68   …French-kissed?  

84

43   ..gotten or given a hickey?  

73

28   …told someone that you loved him or her?  

68

32   …watched an X-rated movie?  

65

25   …dated someone on a regular basis?  

62

54   …received oral sex?  

61

10   …masturbated?  

57

36   …undressed someone?  

56

11   …had sexual intercourse?  

55

26   …gone on a date that lasted past 1 a.m.?  

53

32   …performed oral sex?  

51

1   …dry-humped (had clothes on)?  

51

15   …experienced sexual activity while in bed with someone?  

51

16   …watched an X-rated movie with a member of the opposite sex?  

46

9   …had sex with a virgin?  

37

6   …been masturbated to climax by someone else?  

34

7   …purchased contraceptives?  

34

7   …kissed for more than two hours continuously?  

31

19   …had sexual intercourse without a condom?  

29

1   …taken a shower with someone in the nude?  

27

6   …had sexual conversations with a stranger on the Internet?  

25

3   …had sex with someone younger than 16?  

25

5   …had sex while on drugs or alcohol?  

24

15   …been told to slow down when making the moves on someone?  

21

5   …bought porn?  

21

5   …watched others having sex?  

18

2   …had sex on your parents’ bed?  

16

1   …taken pictures during sex or sexual activity?  

15

1   …masturbated while someone watched?  

15

1   …had sex in a public place?  

15

1   …had sex with a member of the same sex?  

13

3   …had anal sex?  

12

1   …told someone you loved him or her for sexual gain?  

11

7   …had someone watch while you and your partner had sex?  

7 0  

What the kids are saying…
All questions and answers

What grade are you in?
9th……21 (8 boys, 13 girls)
10th…16 (5 boys, 11 girls)
11th….26 (21 boys, 5 girls)
12th….37 (19 boys, 18 girls)

How old are you?
13…2 (2 girls)
14…15 (6 boys, 9 girls)
15…16 (6 boys, 10 girls)
16…30 (21 boys, 9 girls)
17…32 (15 boys, 17 girls)
18….5 (5 boys)

Do you consider yourself:
Straight….85 (45 boys, 40 girls)
Bisexual…11 (4 boys, 7 girls)
Gay…………..2 (2 boys)
Not sure….2 (2 boys)

“I’m not gay but I acknowledge the fact that I’m attracted to men sometimes. I think, under it all, everyone is gay or has gay tendencies.”
Boy, 18

“I like what I like when I like it.”
Boy, 16

“It’s up in the air right now. I don’t think at this age it’s set in stone.”
Girl, 15

How old were you when you had sex for the first time?
12…………………………………………………….3 (3 boys, 0 girls)
13…………………………………………………….9 (9 boys, 0 girls)
14…………………………………………………….11 (7 boys, 4 girls)
15…………………………………………………….13 (7 boys, 6 girls)
16…………………………………………………….9 (6 boys, 3 girls)
17…………………………………………………….4 (1 boys, 3 girls)
18…………………………………………………….0 (0 boys, 0 girls)
Wouldn’t say but have had sex… 6 (4 boys, 2 girls)
Haven’t had sex…………………………….45 (17 boys, 29 girls)

If you’ve never had sex, why not?
Waiting for love…………………………………………..8
Waiting for marriage………………………………….3
Religious reasons………………………………………..2
Waiting until you’re older…………………………11
Waiting for the right person…………………….12
The opportunity hasn’t presented itself…9

“No particular reason. I’m not, like, a Christian.”
Girl, 17

“A girl wanted me to do it, but I didn’t want to.”
Boy, 18

“The time hasn’t come. I haven’t had the opportunity, and truthfully, I’m not crazy about it.”
Boy, 16

“I don’t think I’m mature enough to handle it.”
Girl, 16

“I have a brother, and if word got out, it would be pretty embarrassing.”
Girl, 15

“I don’t want to be an animal.”
Boy, 15

“I’m not waiting. I just haven’t had the right moment.”
Girl, 17

“Lack of a partner.”
Boy, 18

What’s your take on teen sex overall?
“As long as you protect yourself, it’s your decision, but be safe.”
Girl, 17

“It’s about maturity. If you don’t have it, don’t do it.”
Boy, 17

“I educate youth through youth outreach and activism. Sex is not something you just do. It’s a special thing. The person has to respect you and you have to respect yourself.”
Girl, 17

“Protect yourself. You don’t want to get sick or die. We’re too young for that.”
Girl, 17

“It depends on the situation. If you are only doing it to confirm your own attractiveness, no, but getting your kicks is fine.”
Girl, 17

“If you are mentally ready it’s okay. Girls should not be ashamed about being sexual.”
Girl, 17

“It’s a big deal. You’re not going to act the same way around girls.”
Boy, 17

“It’s gross. To think about all these kids having sex makes me want to vomit.”
Boy, 16

“You should have sex only when you’re ready, because it’s overrated.”
Girl, 17

“People are always discussing it, so not having it makes you feel lonely.”
Girl, 15

“It’s awesome, but wait until you’re 16.”
Boy, 14

“I don’t think you should have sex in ninth grade. Probably tenth.”
Boy, 14

Have you ever had a sexual experience you regret or never want to try again?
Yes…25
No…..75

“I guess rushing into having sex in general.”
Boy, 15.

“One chick had an STD, but luckily I didn’t get it because I went straight to the hospital for a vaccine.”
Boy, 17

“I don’t think a mouth should be on your private parts.”
Girl, 17

“One time, because I didn’t like the girl and she was attached.”
Boy, 16

“It wasn’t supposed to happen to me. All I can say is watch out for rapists.”
Boy, 14

“I had a gay boyfriend, which wasn’t so fun.”
Girl, 17

“Yes, because she was ugly.”
Boy, 14

“Yes, we were both drunk.”
Boy, 17

“Yes, making out with other girls.”
Girl, 17

“Yes, anal sex.”
Girl, 17

“When I lost my virginity. I did it for the wrong reasons. I thought I could get him back that way.”
Girl, 15

“Fingering. That really wasn’t very fun.”
Girl, 15

“Having sex with a girl during her period.”
Boy, 17

Have you ever felt guilty after a sexual experience?
Yes…17
No…..83

“I feel bad when I’ve moved too fast, I guess.”
Boy, 16

“Yes, because I was just using her.”
Boy, 14

“I feel guilty sometimes just because I was raised as a Christian.”
Boy, 15

“I used to feel guilty the first few times, when the girl was really drunk and I wasn’t. But not much anymore, since I have sex regularly.”
Boy, 16

“Yeah, doing things with somebody I just met, someone I didn’t know at all. Also, I had sex with my friend’s boyfriend.”
Girl, 15

“Yeah, the first time, because it’s a whole new experience.”
Girl, 15

“I feel a little bit tainted, especially if it’s a random hookup. I feel slutty.”
Girl, 15

Have you been to or are you aware of teen sex parties?
Yes….20
No……80

“I think sex parties are a little ridiculous, because sex is a more intimate thing.”
Girl, 17

“I’ve never been to one, but there’s nothing wrong with it.”
Girl, 17

“Hell, no.”
Girl, 15

“Yes, I’ve been to sex parties where people were touching each other’s private parts and doing wrong things.”
Girl, 16

“I’ve heard of them happening and find them amusing. The idea of them is ridiculous. I don’t understand why someone would go to one.”
Boy, 15

“No, but I’ve seen them on TV.”
Boy, 14

“They happen in the suburbs. I would never go to one.”
Girl, 17

Are you open with your parents about sex?
Yes………………….35
To an extent…19
No……………………46

“I steer away from that topic. For them it’s either ‘Wait until you love someone’ or clichés.”
Girl, 15

“They completely disapprove because they think teens aren’t ready to make the right decisions.”
Girl, 16

“They’re cool with it. They know it’s part of life.”
Boy, 16

“My mom found condoms in my drawer and said, ‘I want you safe,’ and that’s the only thing she’s talked about.”
Boy, 17

“I kind of opened up to them that I should go to the doctor and get checked. My father wished I had waited until marriage. My mom was cool about it.”
Girl, 17

“I wouldn’t tell them I had sex. I wouldn’t be like, ‘Hey, guess what I did yesterday’ to my mom”
Girl, 16

“We don’t discuss it, but they know. They’ve offered me birth control and contraceptives.”
Girl, 17

“They know I have a girlfriend in France, so it’s ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ ”
Boy, 16

“Not so much. They’ve had the sex talk with me a couple of times. Like, ‘Always use protection and wait until you’re absolutely sure about the person.’ ”
Girl, 15

“No, I’m not open with them about anything. I take care of those things on my own.”
Girl, 17

“No, not at all. I have a Hispanic family and they want me to wait until I’m married.”
Girl, 15

“My mom talks as if it’s ‘going to happen’ instead of ‘has happened,’ which makes it really hard.”
Girl, 16

“All they said was, ‘Keep your pecker in your pants.’ ”
Boy, 17

“My father tells me stories about his youth and scolds me for not having as much sex as he did.”
Boy, 18

What do your parents think about teen sex?
“They’re fine with it. They were having a lot more sex than I am at my age.”
Girl, 17

“They’re open about it and think it’s healthy. Have experiences when you’re younger.”
Girl, 17

“My mom’s okay with it, she just gives me condoms.”
Girl, 15

“That I should wait until marriage. We’re Christians.”
Girl, 17

“Sexual intercourse they wouldn’t want me to, but oral sex they would be okay with.”
Boy, 14

What the parents are saying…
All questions and answers

How old is your teenager?
13…..18 (8 boys, 10 girls)
14…..14 (7 boys, 7 girls)
15……10 (7 boys, 3 girls)
16……24 (11 boys, 13 girls)
17…..15 (7 boys, 8 girls)
18……19 (9 boys, 10 girls)

In your estimation, what percent of teens polled answered “bisexual” or “undecided” when asked about their sexual preference?
Bisexual……21.6% (parent average)
Undecided…24.3% (parent average)

“They’re more confused than undecided.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“Their old school had a lot of acting out, like gothic kids. About 10 percent thought they were bisexual.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl

“I think it’s on the rise because there is so much lesbian stuff.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl

Do you consider your child:
Straight…..95 (46 parents of boys, 49 parents of girls)
Bisexual….. 2 (2 parents of girls)
Gay………….. 1(1 parent of a boy)
Not sure…… 2(2 parents of boys)

“I can’t tell because of her age.”
Mother of a 15-year-old girl

“My older one said if he wasn’t [straight] he would tell me.”
Mother of a 16-year-old boy“Super-straight. She’s so into boys it’s sick.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl

“I hope he is straight. I assume he is.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy

“Not sure. We are tolerant of him in the family.”
Mother of a 16-year-old boy

“My son is definitely straight. We have a gay relative and he doesn’t like him.”
mother of a 15-year-old boy

How old were you when you had sex for the first time?
12…………………………………..1 (1 dad)
13………………………………….6 (4 dads, 2 moms)
14………………………………….5 (4 dads, 1 moms)
15………………………………….5 (5 dads)
16………………………………….14 (8 dads, 6 moms)
17………………………………….20 (8 dads, 12 moms)
18………………………………….13 (7 dads, 6 moms)
19………………………………….7 (2 dads, 5 moms)
20………………………………….7 (1 dad, 6 moms)
21………………………………….2 (2 moms)
Over 21………………………..9 (2 dads, 7 moms)
Waited for marriage…6 (1 dads, 5 moms)
No answer……………………5 (3 dads, 2 moms)

Do you think your teen has had sex?
Yes……………………26
Child’s age:
13 years old……0
14………………………1 (1 girl)
15………………………2 (2 boys)
16………………………7 (3 boys, 4 girls)
17………………………7 (3 boys, 4 girls)
18……………………..9 (7 boys, 2 girls)

“Yes, he told me.”
Mother of a 15-year-old boy

“Yes, unfortunately. I’m not stupid.”
Father of a 17-year-old girl

No……………………..66
Child’s age:
13 years old……17 (7 boys, 10 girls)
14………………………11 (5 boys, 6 girls)
15………………………8 (5 boys, 3 girls)
16……………………..15 (7 boys, 8 girls)
17……………………… 7 (3 boys, 4 girls)
18…………………….. 8 (2 boys, 6 girls)
Don’t know……….8 (5 boys, 3 girls)

At what age is it appropriate for your child or any young person to have sex?
14………………………………………………………………..1 (1 mom)
15………………………………………………………………..1 (1 mom)
16………………………………………………………………..10 (5 dads, 5 moms)
17………………………………………………………………..15 (7 dads, 8 moms)
18………………………………………………………………..26 (10 dads, 16 moms)
19………………………………………………………………..12 (4 dads, 8 moms)
20………………………………………………………………..6 (5 dads, 1 mom)
21………………………………………………………………..4 (2 dads, 2 moms)
Over 21………………………………………………………3 (1 dad, 2 moms)
Wait for marriage…………………………………..5 ( 4 dads, 1 moms)
Never…………………………………………………………2 (1 dad, 1 mom)
It’s individual, you can’t set an age…10 (6 dads, 4 moms)
When in a committed relationship……..3 (3 moms)
No Answer………………………………………………..2 (1 dad, 1 mom)

“Nineteen or 20, because they don’t pick good partners before then.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl

“Nineteen. As long as it’s responsible, it’s okay. I try to have different rules for my kid’s sexuality than my own.”
Father of a 13-year-old boy

“Eighteen, because of the prom thing. They don’t tell you about it but it’s probably going to happen.”
Mother of a 15-year-old boy

“There isn’t an age. It’s individual.”
Mother of a 14-year-old girl

If your teen has never had sex, why not?
Parents/upbringing……………………………………………………..4
Waiting for love…………………………………………………………..5
Religious reasons and/or waiting for marriage…..10
Not yet interested/too young……………………………………30
Opportunity hasn’t presented itself………………………..2
Waiting for the right person……………………………………..9
Waiting for moral reasons………………………………………..1
Fear…………………………………………………………………………………5
Other……………………………………………………………………………….7
N/A and/or no answer…………………………………………………27

“He’s a little too immature.”
Father of a 13-year-old boy

“It grosses her out.”
Father of a 14-year-old girl

“She’s too young and she’s not in love.”
Mother of a 14-year-old girl

“My son is an atheist, but I hope he would wait until emotion and caring are involved.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“Because I keep him on a tight leash.”
Father of a 13-year-old boy

“Religion, community, and parenting.”
father of a 17-year-old girl

“I think it’s insecurity.”
father of a 15-year-old girl

What’s your take on teen sex overall?
“They’re going to have sex, so talk to them so they can make smart choices”
Mother of an 18-year-old boy

“Use protection, because ‘Just say no’ doesn’t work in reality”
Mother of a 13-year-old boy

“Nothing is appropriate. It’s about finding the right person, and you’re not going to find the right person at age 14. I was 32 when I lost my virginity”
Mother of a 14-year-old girl

“In this age it just happens. They’re not emotionally ready but the media is pushing them.”
Father of a 16-year-old girl

“A 15-year-old should not have sex.”
Father of a 16-year-old girl

“Parents should talk to kids whether they are doing it or not. We need to be open-minded and protect our kids.”
Mother of a 16-year-old girl

“Wait until marriage.”
Father of an 18-year-old girl

“Sex is good but not at that age. Boys want to experience it. I had her when I was 14.”
Mother of a 14-year-old girl

“There is a lack of information and discipline and too much peer pressure.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl.

“Against it. Society has made it too casual.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“As long as it’s consensual, beyond 16, have fun!”
Mother of an 18-year-old boy

“They have no business having teen sex.”
Father of a 17-year-old girl

“Stay tight to wear white.”
father of a 13-year-old girl

“I don’t think it should happen, but I’m being a hypocrite there.”
father of an 18-year-old boy

“It depends on the person. I know men over 40 who still shouldn’t be having sex.”
father of a 17-year-old boy

“As long as it’s consensual, beyond 16, have fun!”
mother of an 18-year-old boy

What activity is appropriate for teens?
“Kissing is okay, but no more.”
Father of an 18-year-old girl

“Kissing and petting.”
Mother of a 17-year-old girl

“Kissing and handholding.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“I don’t think any is appropriate. The only exception is engaged to be married.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy

“Sexual activity in a long-term relationship.”
Mother of a 16-year-old girl

“First base. The other bases lead to a home run.”
mother of a 17-year-old girl

What activity is not appropriate?
“Oral and anal sex. That’s about it”
Mother of a 13-year-old boy

“I’d be upset if my son were gay.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“The kinky stuff. I don’t know, whatever is possible these days.”
Father of a 15-year-old girl

“Group sex.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“Sex in public places.”
Father of a 13-year-old boy

“Anything if you are forcing the girl, but everything is fine if it’s agreed upon.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy

“You should not indulge in sex unless you have a job to support buying condoms or birth control, because sex is responsibility.”
Mother of a 16-year-old girl

“Teens having sex with adults.”
Father of a 17-year-old boy

“Not using protection.”
Father of a 14-year-old girl

“Having multiple partners and doing it in crazy places.”
Mother of a 16-year-old boy

“Sex isn’t appropriate. Oral, anal, it’s all sex.”
father of a 16-year-old girl

“Sex with prostitutes.”
mother of a 16-year-old boy

“You should not indulge in sex unless you have a job to support buying condoms or birth control.”
mother of a 16-year-old girl

Do you talk to your kids about sex?
“Yes, since he was 10 or even younger.”
Mother of an 18-year-old boy

“I tell him to always protect himself from AIDS and getting a girl pregnant. I tell him to try to be with the same girl and not be promiscuous.”
Mother of an 18-year-old boy

“Use a condom, try to abstain. There is no rush.”
Father of a 14-year-old boy

“On occasion. I talk to them about my own experiences.”
Father of an 18-year-old girl

“It doesn’t come up, but it’s implied.”
Mother of a 16-year-old girl

“I often tell him to wait because his hormones are controlling him.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy

“A tiny bit. I’m here if they have questions.”
Father of a 17-year-old girl.

“Yes, because going to college is difficult if you’re pregnant.”
Father of a 14-year-old girl

“A father should talk to a boy about sex. From the mother, it’s embarrassing.”
Mother of a 15-year-old boy

“The last time I did I was sweating because he started asking too many personal questions.”
mother of a 13-year-old boy

“I talk about disease. Never talk about pleasure: It encourages them.”
mother of an 18-year-old girl

“I often tell him to wait because his hormones are controlling him.”
mother of a 17-year-old boy

“I gave my son pointers on flirting.”
father of a 15-year-old boy

“Yes, because going to college is difficult if you’re pregnant.”
father of a 14-year-old girl

Are your kids open with you about sex?
Yes………………….43
To an extent…14
No……………………42
No answer……..1

“If I badger him, he’ll explain.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy.

“No, but he’ll tell me if he’s kissed a girl. I can read him like a book.”
Father of a 13-year-old boy

“She tells me who she has sex with.”
Mother of a 14-year-old girl

“She’s pretty open. She won’t come home and say, ‘Pops, I had sex last night,’ but she’ll come to me with problems.”
Father of a 16-year-old girl

“My wife handles that.”
father of a 16-year-old girl

“They never are.”father of a
13-year-old boy

“Completely. We’re best friends.”
mother of a 16-year-old girl

If your teen was to have sex, do you think he or she would feel guilty after?
Yes…………….35
No………………52
Maybe………..10
No answer…3

“If the girl breaks his heart.”
Mother of a 17-year-old boy

“Everybody feels guilty after, but that’s part of life.”
Mother of a 13-year-old girl

“He probably would. I know I did.”
Mother of a 13-year-old boy

Does your teen use the Internet to have sexual relationships with strangers?
Yes………………3
No………………..87
Not sure……..9
No answer…1

“She only talks to people she knows, but she flirts.”
Father of a 13-year-old girl

“Once, and I took the computer away.”
Mother of an 18-year-old boy

“No, but then again you can never be sure.”
Father of an 18-year-old boy

Additional reporting by Mary Burke, Katie Charles, Renée DeFranco, Daniel Grushkin, Stirling Kelso, Nichole Marks, Suzanne Mozes, Elise Shin, and Bree Sposato.

Everything You Don’t Want to Know About Your Kid’ […]