THE FRUSTRATED SINGLE GIRL
Female, 27, high-school teacher, Park Slope, straight.
5:45 A.M. Alarm goes off, proving that my Cillian Murphy dream isn’t real. Hit snooze.
7:05 Scan subway for attractive men.
11:55 Hear students talking about their active sex lives in the hallway.
1:00 P.M. Discuss with colleagues whether Leo is hotter in Titanic than in The Departed.
7:00 Talk to a friend on the phone who is fighting with her husband.
8:12 Google pictures of Zach Braff for twenty minutes.
7:00 A.M. Try to think of the last time I had sex. Am sad when I have to use my fingers to count the months.
11:30 Read People magazine on break. Fantasize about Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
3:00 P.M. Spot hot man outside.
3:02 Abort! Man is completely unattractive up close.
5:00 Whistle “Love in an Elevator,” by Aerosmith.
9:00 Browse through personals on Craigslist and am disappointed that all of the men seem either old or disgusting.
8:30 A.M. Have long, inappropriate conversation with male colleague. Am proud of myself for doing as magazines say and practicing flirting on a less attractive man.
NOON Construction worker screams a comment about my ass. I yell obscenities.
2:30 P.M. Read e-mail from a one-night stand from the U.K. Is coming for a visit in May. Put in saved-box.
3:45 Who am I kidding? I respond that I would be happy to “meet up.”
6:00–11:00 Grade papers.
7:00 A.M. On the subway, sitting next to the hottest guy ever. The one day I didn’t have time to shower.
8:35 Eat a doughnut in the faculty room. Feel guilty about it.
NOON On my way to subway, a piece of wood flies in my eye. I will now be single, fat, and blind.
3:00 P.M. Spill water on my blouse. At parent-teacher conference, a student’s father stares at my breasts.
4:00 Look in mirror. Have swollen eye, no makeup, and dirty hair.
9:00 At home, dejected and miserable. Go to bed.
7:15 A.M. Flirt with a cop who pays for my bagel. I give him my number, but more out of obligation, and hope he doesn’t call.
10:30 Talk about dating with my student teacher. She gives me makeup tips.
NOON Eat salad.
7:00 P.M.–1:00 A.M. Girls come over to drink beer, watch girlie movies.
1:30 P.M. Wake up.
9:00 Go to friend’s birthday dinner. Am introduced to countless friends’ new significant others.
9:03 Sit on the side with one other single girl.
10:00 Am tipsy. Begin listing reasons why I am single to a friend’s boyfriend. He sits and listens, obviously afraid to answer.
11:00 Eat my food. Ogle the waiter. Some girl I don’t know tells me that he is too blue-collar. Decide I don’t like her and think bad thoughts.
11:00 A.M. Brunch with girlfriends. One of my friends discusses how she got hit on by an old man in a wheelchair.
8:00 P.M. Talk to my gay cousin about his love life.
9:30 Talk to friend about her new boyfriend. I met him Saturday and he was amazing: a Match.com find.
10:05 Look at Match.com.
Total: No sex all week.