M: It’s pretty much the same. The only difference that living together brought about was convenience.
P: I’ve been in long relationships where for the last six months you feel like you’re married and the sex is boring. Familiarity breeds contempt—but not with my wife now, of course.
Do you still get and receive oral?
P: Yeah. Don’t believe stand-up comedians. That doesn’t stop with the cutting of the cake.
B: I think a lot of that has to do with the sort of sex lives people had going into it. Like my friend who doesn’t want to have sex with his wife much and she’s not that interested, and I can totally understand because I wouldn’t want to sleep with them either.
K: I have to say, having been married twice before, it can be good but something does get lost, a certain amount of heat. You find yourselves running through some similar routines and you want a new flavor and I don’t mean you, I suppose, I mean, well, me. In both marriages, we had sex that was good to the end, but I found myself wanting more. Nothing wrong with her or me—
B: A little something wrong with you, maybe.
How has your sex life altered over the course of your marriage?
B: Both times my wife was pregnant, it sort of stopped completely. There was no desire from either of us. I was perfectly fine with not going there.
P: I was the other way completely. I thought my wife when she was pregnant was so fucking sexy. She was lucky enough to retain her shape, her butt was still there, her boobs were huge. I mean, the belly was odd but it was all very sexy to me. Her hormones were going up and down, so maybe she didn’t want to as much, but when she did, I was like, “Fuck yeah!”
JC: Pregnancy? Not a problem, but the kids themselves definitely slowed us down. Just because, man, they really wear you out. There are literally times where we wake up in the middle of the night and we’re having sex and no one has any idea who initiated it. It’s like zombie sex.
B: I’m never crashing at your house.
JC: The only time that it ever really slowed down was right after I got my vasectomy; I was not in the mood for, like, three or four months.
“There were times in my marriages when I just didn’t realize how badly things were going.”
JC: Well, there were complications. It was really uncomfortable. Other than that, it’s been really great.
P: As far as the child aspect is concerned, her crib is right next to our bed, and we have sex maybe twice a week, which is probably average for a married couple. And she’s right there.
So when do you decide to stop having sex in front of your poor daughter?
P: Well, we were just talking about that last week. Because it was the middle of the night last week and she couldn’t sleep, and she woke me up and was like, “Lemme get on top,” and I said, “Sure, no problem”—
B: You can be quite agreeable.
P: —and the baby wakes up and is watching us and my wife stopped and I just said, “Hey, we’re making love, it’s not like we’re hitting each other.” So let me ask you, man, when do you stop having sex in front of them?
CJC: I think you stop just as soon as they’re able to tell people. You don’t want them reporting on you.
JC: I don’t think that sex has changed from having children, but I definitely don’t masturbate as much. Sex with mommy is one thing, but I am terrified of them walking in on that.
DW: Well, you don’t have to masturbate in their room.
Does having a baby alter the way sex feels?
JC: My wife had two C-sections, so, no.
B: Let me just say that I meant immediately after, but it gets better.
P: Sex after our kid was born, I’m not kidding, she was tighter than before. I think that doc gave me a couple of extra stitches for the hell of it.
DW: Maybe your dick got bigger. [Laughs]
Has being married altered the way you relate to your exes?
CJC: I’m still friendly with all my exes.
B: But you’re still fucking all your exes!
CJC: Not all of them.
DW: I think that getting married, it’s a stake in the ground. Part of that commitment is that you’ve closed off a certain path to the people in your past.