Illustration by Kagan McLeod

4. POOP STATIONERY
In Sri Lanka elephants are in peril. Villagers shoot them because they trample their crops, which have encroached on the elephants’ natural stomping grounds.
Not much I can do about that.
You could use stationery made from elephant poop.
Does it smell?
It’s just like any crafty sort of paper, the imperceptible difference being that the raw fiber comes from pachyderms, who, from the point of view of the locals, are transformed from vandals into the geese who lay the golden eggs.
Is this really going to make much of a dent in the problem, given that killing elephants already carries the death penalty in Sri Lanka? Or is it just a way of showing my correspondents that I give a—
Even if it’s a small dent, it’s worth making. After all, elephants are highly intelligent: Some of them even recognize themselves.
I bet they feel bad about their necks.

VERDICT: The least you can do for the greatest of our four-legged friends.

Related:

• Archive: “Features”
• Table of Contents: Jun 18, 2007 issue of New York | Subscribe!