My IUD failed. I thought my boyfriend would say, “Yay!” But he wanted me to have an abortion. I felt like if I did that, I’d be killing somebody. He wasn’t really involved in anything except video games. That night, he played Call of Duty, this very gory war game that was his life. I slept alone. It mattered to me what the father wanted to do. I was cheating on my boyfriend with a guy who laid out the pros and cons and said, “You’d have to be a mother forever.” I kind of hoped it was his baby. My boyfriend said things like, “I don’t have to worry about it until it pops out.” I just looked at him and couldn’t imagine raising a child with him. It was an epiphany. I went by myself. I took the first pill and was given a prescription for Vicodin. At the time, I was an illegal immigrant, so I couldn’t show the pharmacy an I.D. My friend came to use hers. I told her everything. At her apartment, I was puking and pooping, everything at the same time, delirious, unable to stand up. I expected to have regret, but I didn’t. I left him. I made it to school again. I rediscovered all these things I like to do.
Because I was only 16, I needed to go to the court. Everything took about a week. I stayed with my sister in the city where the clinic was, 45 minutes away from where I lived, so my dad wouldn’t know. First I went to get an ultrasound—I was nervous, but it was like a usual checkup. I met with a lawyer, and then me, and my lawyer, the judge, and a lady who typed everything sat at a table. It was a little awkward—the judge was an older man. After growing up Catholic, I felt really ashamed having to tell him, but I knew what I wanted, and he understood, which was amazing. I wasn’t ready. My boyfriend was a dropout. I kept telling him he should go get his GED, but he didn’t. After I got approval from the judge, I went to Planned Parenthood with my papers. I didn’t want my boyfriend to be there. I was nervous. I did have an attachment to this thing you couldn’t even physically hold. I’d think about what kind of amazing life a kid deserves and feel upset I wouldn’t be able to provide that. The worst part was with my boyfriend. Afterward, he wanted to have sex, but I said, “No, it still hurts,” but he didn’t care. He was my first. I found out the person I loved wasn’t a good person.