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What Do Leonardo DiCaprio, Bald Britney, and Nancy Pelosi Have in Common?


Illustration by Zohar Lazar  

The Lonely Island on the men of Game of Thrones

Jorma Taccone: Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer, has gotten more attractive sans hand. Weirdly made him more attractive.
Andy Samberg: Pretty much everyone on Game of Thrones. It’s just a sexy cast. Just have a big ol’ Game of Thrones orgy. But you got to watch out for ­Littlefinger in an orgy. You never know when he’s going to sneak in. Hey—whoop! There it is. Littlefinger!
Taccone: He’s plotting. Always plotting.
Samberg: And Tyrion, he knows what he’s doing. Oh, yeah.
Taccone: I’m glad that they didn’t cut off his nose on the show, like they did in the books, because it would have been harder at an orgy. And now he’s stayed attractive. The scar is not that bad.
Samberg: Not that bad? It’s actually kind of sexy. Rugged and cool.
Taccone: They keep it sexy across the board. GoT, always sexy.
Akiva Schaffer: I don’t know anybody’s name. I just know I would have liked fucking whaling on Joffrey. I mean whaling on him sexually.
Samberg: No, whaling on someone is hitting them. Railing on them is pumping them.
Schaffer: Not the way I do it.
Samberg: I can’t speak to that.


Amanda Palmer on avoiding Morrissey
I deliberately passed up the chance to meet ­Morrissey some years ago. We were playing a ­festival in Germany, and the keyboardist offered to introduce me, and I shocked myself by saying no. The key is making sure your crush doesn’t crush you. I didn’t want my icon shattered. With ­Morrissey, you get the feeling that there’s a risk there, even on a good day.









Rosecrans Baldwin on Jane Campion’s Hair
Jane Campion’s hair is incredible. Like Top of the Lake, you should make time to see it. It’s long, straight, and not quite gray, more like a white that becomes camel, or the color of frost crystals grasping wheat. It is, judging by its length, the hair of mature artistic confidence. (She’s 60.) Hair that Campion probably could charge admission to watch her brush, charge double to let people brush themselves, after a long shampoo. Am I going too far? Rimbaud said, “What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” I don’t know what I’d say if I ever met Jane Campion’s hair, but I could spend pages describing its erotic interest.



Dan Savage’s Instagram infatuation with Addison Graham
I’m one of those men with dicks who, if a shiny object or a squirrel is running by, it’s a distraction. And I don’t know how this person crossed my radar exactly, but I started following him on Instagram. I’ve never met him, but his name is Addison Graham, and he is a stripper in Los Angeles, and in a way, I guess you could say that both my husband and I are addicted. He’s just kind of got a goofy face—and my husband is within earshot, he doesn’t like it when I say this—but I’ve always been attracted to guys with goofy Muppet faces.


Pat Kiernan on Cindy Crawford
I just remember her pressing the button on the soda machine in that Pepsi commercial, and it was very … frustrating.











Mike Epps on ’90s-era Halle Berry
Halle Berry from Boomerang—that’s when I loved her. I grew up in the Midwest, and Halle Berry was from the Midwest, and if I knew her then, I would have taken her straight to the hood, with the top down, music blasting, yelling, “Look, everybody! I got Halle Berry in my car with me! This is my girl!” I would have taken Halle Berry to Six Flags, and we’d have gone on some roller coasters, and we would have dressed alike, matching blue-jean outfits on, with the Jordans and the glasses, you know what I mean? Our Cross Colours on. And candy necklaces. You got to bite them off just right. I’d bite on her neck while we on the roller coaster. Slobber all down her neck. And then we would just sit in the house and watch Martin and A Different World.



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