Otherwise you’ll come off as a creep.
Lyons: I think if anybody, male or female, goes out there with sex as their primary goal, they’ll come across as a creep. I have seen women alone in a bar looking for sex, and they just come across as desperate, and guys are like “I am not going to touch that thing. I have no idea where she’s been or what she’s been doing.”
Schneider: We’ve had some clients that are actually disappointed that a guy’s not trying to have sex with them. It’s because they’re needy. For a woman, it’s more emotional, and she feels like sex will cement the relationship and he’ll call her and they’ll date and stuff. But a guy, if he’s having sex with you on the first date, he’s just interested in sex.
Lyons: For sure! But there are some men who also get emotional connection from sex. I know a guy who cries every time he has sex with his girlfriend because he thinks it’s so beautiful.
For those who coach men, if your target is being resistant, how do you win her over? Or is it just about not taking “no” for an answer?
Perrion: The beauty of feminine grace and the beauty of masculine edge is all we have to do is show ourselves fully, nervous or not, shy or not, and you say, “You know what, I like you in that dress. You look great. I would love to see you again.” It’s a strong way of approaching the world as opposed to “Would you like to go out for coffee sometime and then maybe date three times and then maybe come up to my house and watch a movie and maybe I’ll put my arm around you.” It’s just standing on the Earth and saying, “Here’s my statement. I’m a guy who likes women and I like you. I’m saying it and you can do whatever you want with that information.” When I talk to a woman, she knows everything about me in the first 30 seconds, because I tell her. I hide nothing.
You sound really smooth. But what about the really clueless, oblivious guys?
Perrion: That’s 100 percent true. When I talk about this stuff, they look at me like they have no idea what I’m talking about. [Laughs] Men are trying to measure their success with the results they get — they got a phone number, they got a smile, they got sex with a girl, they got a coffee date tomorrow. But I fundamentally believe that if men start measuring their success by the way they show up in the world of men, it doesn’t matter what her response is. You can be tongue-tied; you can run out of things to say. But you showed up, which is more than 95 percent of the men out there are doing. It’s “I’m going to put myself out fully into the Earth. I’m going to represent myself.” Then phone numbers and coffee dates and sex are fait accompli. Phone numbers will fall out of the air if they do this.
Arden, how would you approach a guy in a room?
Leigh: There’s three different ways of doing that. An indirect approach, where you give off body-language signals on an animal level that will attract a guy. A semi-direct approach, where you approach one of his friends and eventually say, “Hey, introduce me to your friends.” Or there’s a direct approach, which is just going up to a guy and speaking to him, and it doesn’t matter what you want to use as an opener. You say something about the situation.
Schneider: We highly disagree. We say talking to his friends is a direct approach, he knows it and you know it, he’s flattered, but then he gets bored. That’s our take.
Leigh: My guys don’t get bored.
What if you wanted to get with a friend’s ex?
Fein: That’s just not right.
What about a platonic friend you want to turn into a sexual partner?
Hoinsky: This is going to sound strange to people, but you have to date other women. If you’re in the dreaded friend zone, you have to be seen as desired by other women.
Lyons: Any relationship should be a mixture of two things: comfort and attraction. If you’re in the friend zone, there’s too much comfort and not enough attraction. One of the ways to generate sexual attraction is to be a sexual prowler. If you’re hanging out with your female best friend and suddenly you work out a lot and your body is in a great shape, or you go to comedy clubs and you get really funny, your best friend is going to look at you and think, “Wow, when did you get a hot body and become so funny?” They are going to start being attracted.