News Corp. will launch Fox Business Channel in the fall, which Rupert Murdoch says will be “more business-friendly than CNBC.” Fox News honcho Roger Ailes explained, “Many times I’ve seen things on CNBC where they are not as friendly to corporations and profits as they should be.” We obtained an unaired early transcript:
Anchor: Welcome back to Fox Business Channel. Hybrid cars are the hot new accessory in Hollywood—but are they responsible for the tornadoes that ravage our heartland? Our report later in the hour. But first, tips from stock-market expert Nelson Lily.
Nelson Lily: Today we’re listing Home Depot as a “buy,” Wal-Mart as a “strong buy,” long-defunct Internet delivery site Kozmo has been downgraded to “very strong buy,” fictional Metropolis company LuthorCorp is an “extreme definite buy,” and Heinz remains a “sell and apologize to God.” And once again, News Corp. is today’s “megapower ultrabuy.”
Anchor: And now we turn to a recent study that found that in 2005, CEO pay was 411 times that of an average worker—up from 107 times the average worker’s pay in 1990. With us is business expert Susan Caroll. Susan, was CEO pay in 1990 really that low? How many suffered from malnutrition?
Susan Caroll:We don’t have exact figures, but many couldn’t afford Kobe beef.
Anchor: Not even American Kobe-style Wagyu? Good Lord. How much of their diet was foraged acorns? Tree sap?
Susan: Let’s not dwell on the past. Just be glad that today’s CEOs get the pay raises and golden parachutes they deserve—no, need.
Anchor: Now, just to play devil’s advocate, a lot of people would say these golden parachutes are not nearly golden enough. How do you respond to such charges?
Susan: We realize that in these days of Democratic majorities, it’s quite possible that newly unemployed CEOs are entering an economy on the verge of absolute, Carter-style collapse. Assuring that these CEOs are taken care of is a top priority. In preparation for the living nightmare of an Obama or a Clinton being elected in 2008, we’ve begun stockpiling those barrels that poor people in cartoons wear.
Anchor: Now, for another perspective, we have Hampshire College sophomore Damon “Sprout” Mooney.
Damon “Sprout” Mooney: The American Dream is a joke, man. More like the American scheme. CEO really stands for “Crooked Executive Outrage”!
Anchor: Susan, listening to this leading liberal’s so-called argument makes me wonder—exactly how dangerous to our national security is it to criticize CEO pay?
Susan: Incalculable. If I were a terrorist, what I’d be hearing is, “Please, terrorist, cripple our vital economic centers with more 9/11s. Come dirty-bomb a freight yard. Just don’t touch my precious pot drugs.”
Anchor: Truly chilling. Thank you both.
Damon: Thank y—.
Shut it, pinko.
Daniel Chun is a writer-producer of The Simpsons.