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The Most Important Meal

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Some weeks just roll out like an endless breakfast buffet in the Big Scrapple. Campaign-dough nut Hillary Clinton raked in a record $10 million in cash in one week—thanks largely to cereal-aisle mogul Ron Burkle—but her decaffeinated Iraq withdrawal plan, which many called a gigantic waffle, did not go over easy in Washington. A drug dealer in a jam briefly made instant oatmeal of the Sean Bell case by claiming Bell had peppered him with gunfire last summer; the Reverend Al Sharpton said it was all a shmear campaign. The estranged attorney of subway hero Wesley Autrey (who surely eats his Wheaties) called his lifesaving leap onto the tracks “stupid.” Franken Berryish governor Eliot Spitzer, whose once-piping-hot approval ratings are cooling, finally cut a budget deal with the hard-boiled State Assembly. Mayor Bloomberg defended spying on granola-headed protesters prior to the 2004 GOP convention. A five-story apartment building in Harlem pancaked on top of a dozen workers. Cops raided the Honeycomb Hideout of a $17.5 million betting ring allegedly tied to “Benny Eggs” Mangano. Wal-Mart’s CEO stopped trying to butter up Gothamites and finally admitted, “I don’t care if we are ever here.” Con Ed promised bitter Queens customers that they wouldn’t lack for a full day’s supply of juice this summer. Jennifer Lopez showed some huevos by releasing a syrupy album sung entirely in Spanish (though she’d likely poached the idea from Pop-Tart Shakira). Busta Rhymes made a hash of his plea-bargain negotiations by running a red light in Tribeca; he’ll now need Lucky Charms to stay out of jail. The police chief and three other officers from brunch capital Fire Island were arraigned for making an omelet of a visitor from Manhattan. Zeppole fans hope to preserve the embattled San Gennaro festival. The Teletubbies, decried by Jerry Falwell as quiche-eating Froot Loops, brought their multicolored Pablum to the island. And the white father suing a Park Avenue fertility clinic that scrambled his order (his daughter arrived with a café au lait complexion) berated the media for fixating on a mixed-race egg MacGuffin.

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