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Cardinal Rimshot

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New York archbishop Timothy Dolan will be ordained as one of the Vatican’s 214 cardinals on February 18. His 35-year career as a priest has been highlighted by extensive study of Catholic history, political outspokenness, and many, many cornball jokes.


“They asked me when I got here, ‘Are you Cardinals, Mets, Brewers, or Yankees?’ And I said, ‘When it comes to baseball, I think I can be pro-choice.’ ”
—To 60 Minutes

“New York has grown on me.”
—Describing his first year in the city, while patting his midsection, per the Times

“You’re the only people who never leave Mass early.”
—To inmates at Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, on why he loves ministering to prisoners, per the Associated Press

“The only cardinal I wanted to be growing up was Stan Musial.”
—To Matt Lauer on the Today show

“I’m at a Steak ’n’ Shake. What do I order?”
—Dolan, calling his diet doctor, as recounted in the Daily News

“Go away, Lord. I’m not your man. My Spanish is lousy and my English not much better.”
—On his reaction to being moved from Milwaukee to New York, at a 2009 St. Patrick’s Cathedral service

“I am going to give these to a hungry person. Namely me at about four o’clock.”
—On being given a box of French pastries, as quoted in the Times

“I might have to rent a space and a half.”
—To 60 Minutes while touring the crypt of the archbishops of New York beneath St. Patrick’s Cathedral

“My first pastoral letter’s gonna be a condemnation of light beer and instant mashed potatoes.”
—On Sirius XM Radio’s Catholic channel

I’ll answer any questions—except about my taxes.
—At a Fordham University press conference in the midst of the Mitt Romney tax-return controversy

But what is Dolan’s boss’s attitude toward humor?
“I’m not a man who constantly thinks up jokes.”
—Pope Benedict XVI

Have good intel? Send tips to intel@nymag.com.


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