Building the Frankencandidate

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Building the Frankencandidate

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Ladies and Gentlemen, the Next President and Vice President . . .
(Not necessarily in that order) To create the perfect Purple Party people, we ran some of those listed on these pages through the computer, and these are the ones the machine came up with. They’re not gorgeous—but would you trust them if they were?

Making them up: Him: Bob Kerrey (head and hair), Bill Gates (eyes), Oprah Winfrey (nose), Michael Bloomberg (mouth and chin). Photo-illustrations by Michael Elins

(Photo: Nancy Kaszerman/Zuma Press (Bob Kerrey); Getty Images (Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey); Fernando Leon/Retna (Michael Bloomberg))

Barack Obama
Right now, before he gets destroyed by the system.

John McCain
The one who ran for president in 2000, not the one running for president in 2008.

Tom Brokaw
Because both red and blue can claim him as their own. And who knows which one is right?

Bill Clinton
Because, in his hands, triangulation was mostly an expression of democracy rather than chickenshittedness. But please, no lip-biting.

George Bush Sr.
Though possibly his child-rearing skills could be faulted, he really does have a head for this foreign-policy stuff.

Her: Geena Davis (head, hair, and chin), Maria Shriver (eyebrows), Barack Obama (eyes), Jon Stewart (nose), Arnold Schwarzenegger (mouth), Sandra Day O’Connor (body). Photo-Illustration by Michael Elins

(Photo: WireImage (Geena Davis); Getty Images (Maria Shriver); Globe Photos (Barak Obama); WireImage (Jon Stewart); Doug Peters/All Action/Retna (Arnold Schwarzeneger); Getty Images (Sandra Day O'Connor))

Steve Jobs
Because a great politician is a great salesman—and we’d love to see him redecorate the White House.

Kathleen Sebelius
A Kansas governor who’s a Democrat and a woman? She has to be doing something right.

George Soros
Because he’s committed, and iconoclastic, and—hello—we need his money.

Oprah Winfrey
Because she really does feel your pain. And will cause it, too (witness James Frey), when necessary.

Mike Bloomberg
(See The Third Man by Chris Smith)

Sandra Day O’Connor
The supreme example that a third way is the right way.

Jon Stewart
Because to get politics right, first you have to identify what’s wrong—and make fun of it. Bonus: Stephen Colbert for VP.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver
They contradict themselves? So they contradict themselves. They contain multitudes (and some of them are Kennedys).

Bob Kerrey
Speaks the truth no matter which party it benefits. Can’t Swift Boat a man who lost a leg in Vietnam.

Bill Gates
Smart, we’ve heard. And, recently, very generous.

Rudy Giuliani
What’s not to like? Well, plenty. But for a few days after 9/11, he’s forgiven a lot.

Geena Davis as Mackenzie Allen
Because it’s time for a tough woman in the White House.