How to Win by Stephen Colbert
A lot of people have accused me of being a partisan Republican hack. Not true—I’m an Independent hack. I speak my mind and don’t play favorites. To prove it, I’ve put together sage advice for both Democrats and Republicans on how to rally voters for this November’s midterm elections.
![]() ISSUE |
![]() ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS |
![]() ADVICE TO REPUBLICANS |
The next House Leader will be... | (Whisper) ... nancy pelosi ... | Cleared of all charges. |
The Economy | Ask, “Are you better off now than you were six years ago? | Ask, “Are you more blown up by a terrorist now than you were six years ago?” |
The Plan for Iraq | Not “cut-and-run” … “sever-and-stroll.” | “What’s Iraq?” |
The Budget | Say you won’t balance the budget on the backs of the poor. | Say you’ll sell advertising on the backs of the poor. |
Illegal Immigration | “¡Hola! Voto para nosotros.” | “Do not wash the ‘rojo’ sock with the ‘blanco’ shirt.” |
Global Warming | Appeal to coastal voters in states like Florida. | Appeal to future coastal voters in states like Ohio. |
Health Care | Tell story of poor, uninsured mother of three to support your push for Universal Coverage. | Tell story of Tiny Tim to support your push for Christmas Miracles. |
NSA Surveillance | Call anyone wearing a tie “a fascist.” | Call anyone wearing a wire “a patriot.” |
Alternative Energy | The Limitless Power of Hemp! | Gitmo detainees on treadmill-generators! |
Jobs | Support honest crusaders for workers’ rights, like the Teamsters. | “I hear the Army’s hiring …” |
Prayer in School | There is no place in public school for God, no matter how you choose to define Him … or not define Him … or Her … or It … or Them … or … We? | The public schools need our prayers, because they’re sure not getting our money. |
Smearing Your Opponents | Take the high road. It’s much easier to sling mud downhill. | Reveal new tests that prove McCain’s illegitimate black child actually fathered by (Democratic opponent’s name here). |
Firing Up the Base | Get Clintons on TV as much as possible. | Get Clintons on TV as much as possible. |