How to Win by Stephen Colbert
A lot of people have accused me of being a partisan Republican hack. Not true—I’m an Independent hack. I speak my mind and don’t play favorites. To prove it, I’ve put together sage advice for both Democrats and Republicans on how to rally voters for this November’s midterm elections.

ISSUE	ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS	ADVICE TO REPUBLICANS
The next House Leader will be...	(Whisper) ... nancy pelosi ...	Cleared of all charges.
The Economy	Ask, “Are you better off now than you were six years ago?	Ask, “Are you more blown up by a terrorist now than you were six years ago?”
The Plan for Iraq	Not “cut-and-run” … “sever-and-stroll.”	“What’s Iraq?”
The Budget	Say you won’t balance the budget on the backs of the poor.	Say you’ll sell advertising on the backs of the poor.
Illegal Immigration	“¡Hola! Voto para nosotros.”	“Do not wash the ‘rojo’ sock with the ‘blanco’ shirt.”
Global Warming	Appeal to coastal voters in states like Florida.	Appeal to future coastal voters in states like Ohio.
Health Care	Tell story of poor, uninsured mother of three to support your push for Universal Coverage.	Tell story of Tiny Tim to support your push for Christmas Miracles.
NSA Surveillance	Call anyone wearing a tie “a fascist.”	Call anyone wearing a wire “a patriot.”
Alternative Energy	The Limitless Power of Hemp!	Gitmo detainees on treadmill-generators!
Jobs	Support honest crusaders for workers’ rights, like the Teamsters.	“I hear the Army’s hiring …”
Prayer in School	There is no place in public school for God, no matter how you choose to define Him … or not define Him … or Her … or It … or Them … or … We?	The public schools need our prayers, because they’re sure not getting our money.
Smearing Your Opponents	Take the high road. It’s much easier to sling mud downhill.	Reveal new tests that prove McCain’s illegitimate black child actually fathered by (Democratic opponent’s name here).
Firing Up the Base	Get Clintons on TV as much as possible.	Get Clintons on TV as much as possible.

Related:

• Archive: “Politics”
• Articles by Adam Sternbergh
• Table of Contents: Oct 16, 2006 issue of New York | Subscribe!