By Christopher Buckley, author of Thank You for Smoking
Top Secret/Really Really Top Secret
National Security Agency
subj: Brainwave Intercept of President During State of the Union
Done this, what, six times? Seven times? What’s 2007 minus 2001? Five?
Here we go, “Madame Speaker, the president of the United States.” Madame Speaker. Well, she’s a whole lot easier on the eyes than Denny Hastert. Someone said he looked like a shoplifter in a novelty store.
They’re applaudin’. On both sides of the aisle. Buncha hypocrites. An hour from now they’ll be tellin’ MSNBC, “Actually, Keith, I was applauding the office, not the man.”
Keep smilin’. Like Mother says, Never let the c********rs see you cry.
Hello, Barack. Barack Hussein Obama. Hello, Senator Warner. Thanks for comin’ out against the surge today. That was so f***ing helpful.
What the hell’s that sound behind me? Is Cheney eating? Jesus Christ, Dick, could you wait till I’m finished here?
Let’s get some applause lines goin’ here. Okay, listen up. We’re gonna launch a manned mission to Jupiter in 2008! You excited? I’m thrilled! Wanted to put that in, but Bolten said it’d blow out the budget and no one gives a rat’s ass about Jupiter.
Polls. Times said today I’m about where Harry Truman was during Korea and where Nixon was during Watergate. Wonderful. What was the name of that book everyone was reading at Yale … Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me. That’s about right.
Smile. Hit ’em with the 20 percent reduction in gas idea. That’s right. Twenty percent. Keep a straight face. Do not laugh.
All right, now the Iraq stuff. Deep breath. Look statesmanlike. Don’t grin.
All right you m**********rs, listen up: You may not like where we are, but we are in it together. Uh-huh. That’s t-o-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. You got a better idea? Fine. Write it on a postcard and send it in.
Now the fun part. Lookit all them heroes in the balcony. My God, where else you got heroes like that? In Canada? China? There’s whatsisname, passed up the chance to play basketball so’s he could go back to the Congo and open a hospital. Jesus, lookit the size of you. What do they feed you in the Congo? Thought everyone there was undernourished. And there’s whatsisname, jumped on the subway platform and saved the guy. How about jumpin’ on top of me? Could use some help here.
Almost done. Okay, hit ’em with the state of the union is strooong. Then bolt.
Whew. They’re clappin’. Listen to ’em. Laura, darlin’, they’re clappin’. For the man.
Quick. Outta here before Keith can say, “Well, Chris, well, Tom, they’re really clappin’ for the office, not for that sorry-ass loser.”
Autographs. They want autographs. Would they be askin’ for autographs if they didn’t like me?
You’re doin’ a heckuva job, Bushie.