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Scrapbook: The Wit and Wisdom of Abe Hirschfeld

Excerpts from his current comedy routine.


  • Hello, good evening, everybody. It’s so nice to be with you and such a change from what I had today . . . you see that I’m specially dressed . . . not for you! I just came from heaven. . . . You see, for Jews to call God is a local call.
  • Resurrecting the New York Post was my biggest success. Editors all ask me, “do you know how to write?” I said yes. They said, “What kind of writing do you do?” I said, “All I write is checks.”
  • The Daily News has become so jealous . . . they’re changing editors more often than Donald Trump changes wives. 
  • I figured out Jesus Christ could not have been Jewish. He went for the Last Supper, but if He’d been Jewish, He’d have gone for the early-bird special.
  • How did I develop the idea of an open-air garage? Because cars don’t catch cold in winter.
  • Why did God create Gentiles? Because we Jews needed someone to buy retail.


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