While there’s never really a good week to be a white guy with Jheri curls, last week was a particularly bad one. As police continued their we-swear-he-was-here-a-minute-ago pursuit of alleged sex offender Peter Braunstein, many New Yorkers entertained fantasies of stumbling on Braunstein themselves, then getting a little Curtis Sliwa on his ass. The manhunt also provided several didja-know civics lessons: Did you know that if you buy a MetroCard with a credit card, police can track your movements and pinpoint your location, sort of? But it was just that kind of week, full of almosts, maybes, and minor regrets. Onetime Homeland Security nominee Bernard Kerik lost (even more) face after being accused of accepting improper compensation from an allegedly mob-tied company during his tenure as Corrections commissioner. (A little apartment renovation here, a little job for his brother there.) Kerik could not immediately comment, as he’s now serving as a consultant to the government of Jordan. In another case of misdirected money, the Post found that $20 million in government loans earmarked to help businesses rebuild after 9/11 had, in fact, been used to renovate doughnut stores and muffler shops in Georgia, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, all of which were apparently still struggling to recover from the attacks. And, thanks to a $700,000 election debt, Freddy Ferrer finds himself in the awkward position of asking for contributions to a campaign he’s already lost. Speaking of losing, the new-look Knicks lost, lost, and lost some more. (Then won twice! Then lost again . . .) New Yorkers lost their snooty city-slicker pretensions and welcomed the Country Music Awards. The Giants lost another co-owner, as Bob Tisch died just a few weeks after Wellington Mara. And even when Yankee Alex Rodriguez won the American League MVP (and promptly announced he’d no longer be playing illegal poker), he lost, as fans groused about his playoff failings. A-Rod spoke for beleaguered heroes everywhere when he replied, “My benchmark is so high that no matter what I do, it will never be enough”—a theory he might have waited to test until he’s won at least one World Series.

Related:

• Archive: “It Happened Last Week”
• Articles by Adam Sternbergh
• Table of Contents: Nov 28, 2005 issue of New York | Subscribe!