You’re not campaigning yet?
No, there’s no big war chest, no press secretaries, none of that madness—just me and my interests.
What’s your platform?
It’s “People first, corporations second.” And my other platform—the wording changes daily, depending on who I’m talking to—is “usually, the least-qualified guy is the best man for the job.” That would be me.
What do you make of your opposition? For example, Arnie?
He’s got a whole family of public servants behind him to help him administer his government! And I love Arianna. She just makes so much sense. I love her to death. She’s cool people.
Gallagher?
Me, I was just running as a goof. The East Bay Express said it’d be fun to have me run—they nominated me—but Gallagher’s going to be smashing watermelons and making people laugh, he’s really intelligent. He’s up on government.
Larry Flynt?
Too much self-interest. He wants Vegas-style gambling. I read the paperwork.
Do you know about Avenue Q, on Broadway? You’re a character in it—a super who makes tenants feel better about their sad-sack lives.
Oh! Yeah, I know about that.
What do you think?
I think they should have asked for my permission first.
I heard the producers called and asked you to be in it.
If they did, I would know about it, and I would not be unhappy. I’ll let my lawyer deal with it.
Are you really considering legal action?
My agent says it’s not worth my time. But now that you raise the question, it might be.