Intelligencer

Total Recall!

Arnold on his win, Al Qaeda, and (Achtung!) N.Y.C.

By Will Doig

(Photo: AP World Wide)

Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger has already renounced acting and embraced (figuratively, of course) Dianne Feinstein. But some of his plans remain murky. We tried to get an interview but Leno beat us to it (again!). So instead we just rented a lot of movies.

Do you have anything to say to outgoing governor Davis?
“It was all bullshit, right from the start. You set us up to do your dirty work. You put your ambition before the lives of your men. That’s your problem.”

When do you expect to turn the economy around?
“We should pick up visual at the next light.

But can you explain your plan in more detail?
“This is a Soviet mirv-6, from an SS-22N launch vehicle.

The warhead contains 14.5 kilos of enriched uranium, with a plutonium trigger. [In Arabic.] Release her, and I’ll cooperate.”

Um, okay. And how do you plan on combating terrorist threats?
“If it bleeds, we can kill it. Bleed, you bastard! It is my mission to protect you.”

What do you have to say to New Yorkers?
“I will hold Gotham ransom. If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. First Gotham, then the world!”

And any “Read my lips”—style promises for Californians?
“I swear I will not kill anyone.”