Adrien Brody and Bebe Neuwirth
What He Gives Her: With the cancellation of
Law & Order: Trial by Jury and the demise of Frasier, the country now faces a troubling shortfall of Neuwirth. Plus, a Tadpole-style
May-December romance would be a satisfying, sophisticated subplot among all the lurid
tales of Ashton, Jessica, and barefoot Britney.
What She Gives Him: After his feel-good Oscar win and Halle Berry lip-smack, Brody’s done everything in his power to fritter away the public’s goodwill: endless Diet Coke ads, The Village, palling around with P. Diddy. A fling with the sassy Neuwirth might remind people why they used to like him in the first place.
Potential Drawbacks: She catches him with another woman and snaps his neck. Then again, who wouldn’t want to see Bebe on trial for murder? It’s a real-life Chicago!
Proposed Nickname: Bebien.
Billy Bob Thornton and Serena Williams
What He Gives Her: If Serena ponders retirement from tennis, a crazy celebrity romance will
be just the thing to ease her from sports star to bona fide “Page Six” staple.
What She Gives Him: A rejuvenating boost, given that most people think of him as the skinny, scarecrow-looking guy that Angelina used to be married to before she assumed her rightful place in the World’s Hottest Couple.
Potential Drawbacks: The vial of his blood worn around Serena’s neck might break during a spirited rally, soiling her tennis whites.
Proposed Nickname: Billybobena.
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Photo-illustration by Joe Darrow
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Hulk Hogan and Kathy Griffin
What He Gives Her:
A shameless plug for her summer reality show.
What She Gives Him: A shameless plug for his summer reality show.
Potential Drawbacks: Offspring.
Proposed Nickname: Hulkin’.
Colin Farrell and Gael García Bernal
What Farrell Gives Bernal: With a handful of real-life celebrity lesbian couples out there, it’s time for a power-pair of males to step forward. Why not these two? This way, America will finally think of the talented Bernal as someone other than “the hot guy from Y Tu Mamá También. No, the other one.”
What Bernal Gives Farrell: The last thing the Irish party boy could do that would possibly surprise anyone.
Potential Drawbacks: Red-state backlash; lingering “souvenirs” from Farrell’s past dalliances.
Proposed Nickname: Farcia.
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Photo-illustration by Joe Darrow
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Jennifer Aniston and W. Mark Felt
What He Gives Her: Observers have offered up
a number of new beaus—George Clooney, Chris Heinz, aging rocker Steven Tyler—to help Jen overcome her post-Brad retreat from center stage. But why not employ the nuclear option? Besides, this could be her last, best chance to wrest the spotlight back from that headline-hogging Brangelina.
What She Gives Him: The perfect antidote to the public’s ADD—these days, outing yourself as America’s most notorious informant buys you a week in the headlines, tops. But America’s most notorious informant and Jen’s new man-about-town? Besides, this could be his last, best chance to wrest the spotlight back from that headline-hogging Bob Woodward.
Potential Drawbacks: Manelike hairstyle, dubbed “the Felt,” sweeps the nation.
Proposed Nickname: Throatifer.
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