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Digestive Tract

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The product No-Gas Giuliani is not, as you might suspect, a special antacid sold on the black market to cabdrivers, street vendors, and shaggy sidewalk artists suffering from mayorally induced gastrointestinal trauma. It is, rather, a leading antacid sold in Italy -- the Rolaids of Rome. It got us thinking about products that might help other New Yorkers suffering from mayoral agita.

NO-LEASH GIULIANI: Special device for city dog owners. Sensor attached to pet collar picks up presence of Parks officers so owners can slap on a leash fast.

NO-BOSS GIULIANI: Concrete pylons to be deployed across Tenth Avenue as last-ditch effort by desperate West Siders to block ground breaking for new Yankee Stadium.

NO-BUZZ GIULIANI: For drunk drivers fearing impoundment, a tincture designed to fool Breathalyzer tests.

NO-HEART GIULIANI: Protein-rich nutritional supplement for children of workfare participants.

NO-MORE GIULIANI: Powerful sedative for those who wish to sleep out balance of mayor's term.


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