Feature

Calling All Stars!

(Photo: Joe Ciardiello)

Celebrity Target:
Cindy Adams
The Pitch Appearing on the podium as “Miss Bagel,” a title the New York Post gossip was awarded in the fifties

Hi, I’m calling from the Republican National Convention. We’re currently booking presenters, and we wondered if Ms. Adams would make an appearance. What do you mean by an appearance? You want Cindy to speak at the convention?

I’m not sure if I could get her a prime-time slot, but it’s possible that she could say a few words. I don’t understand what you want her to do.

Well, you know, it’s New York City. We want a diverse parade of New Yorkers. Yeah, but what do you want them to do? Just parade?

Well, I know that Cindy was once crowned Miss Bagel. We thought maybe she could put on her Miss Bagel outfit and— That ain’t gonna happen.

Hmm. Maybe she could deliver a prepared statement, or, you know, introduce a dignitary. You want her maybe to introduce somebody? Like who?

Maybe she could introduce Congresswoman Anne Northup, who is this fabulous representative from Kentucky. Well, first, I have to see if she knows her! What’s this woman’s name? Anne . . .

Northup. And she’s from where?

Kentucky. Kentucky?! Okay. I’ll ask her.

If Cindy is not a fan of Congresswoman Northup’s, she could introduce Representative Heather Wilson, from New Mexico. Very inspiring lady. The first female veteran in American history elected to Congress. Oh yeah?

Plus, she’s from a swing state. The one small wrinkle I hate to bring up is that Ms. Adams would have to sign an ironclad agreement that she would not gossip about them. Gossip about them? I don’t even know if she knows them.

True, but she’d obviously meet them. [Laughs.] Let’s see what she says.
A week later:

Hi, it’s Eric from the RNC. Did you get a chance to ask Cindy about our request? I sort of mentioned it to her, and she said, “Well, it depends on what they’d like me to do.”

We’d discussed having her introduce Anne Northup. Cindy doesn’t know who Anne Northup is.

Would she be interested in reprising her role as Miss Bagel? [Firmly] Nope.

Why not? That was a very long time ago. It’s a forgotten thing as far as Cindy’s concerned.

Right, but we really want to get a New York flavor at this event, you know? An authentic ethnic parade. We think Miss Bagel would be a real crowd-pleaser. No! She is a world-renowned columnist—that’s what she’s known for—and an author of books. It would be beneath her standing.

She’s not interested in reprising a pageant role? Pageant?

Yeah, wasn’t she in, like, 47 pageants? They weren’t pageants; they were contests. And they were many, many, many years ago, before she was established. It’s not dignified.

What about, like, Miss Republican Convention 2004? Well, that’s something else.

Would she do an evening gown? Sure!

Does Cindy tap-dance? No.

Does she merengue? She wouldn’t on television.

Okay, but she is interested, right? Yes—depending on what they’d like her to do.

Would you like a written proposal? Yeah. But propose something that makes sense. Not something she did when she was a teenager.

Is she flexible? She’s flexible to a point, but not to a Miss Bagel point!

Celebrity Target:
Robbie Knievel
The Pitch Jumping his motorcycle over a herd of elephants

I’m calling from the Republican National Convention. We are interested in having Mr. Knievel make an appearance while the convention is going on here in New York. No kidding!

Yeah. Is that something Mr. Knievel would be interested in? I mean, given his whole red-white-and-blue motif . . . Oh, yeah. I don’t know if you have heard, but Robbie has publicly supported the president on a couple of issues, just out of the goodness of his heart, just because that is his belief.

How wonderful. Has he ever jumped elephants before? [Long pause] No.

Because elephants are the symbol of the Republican Party. We’re thinking twenty elephants. You know, prime time, outside Madison Square Garden. Robbie is jumping on the deck of the Intrepid here Saturday night. Did you know he was on the Today show this morning?

I did not. So you’re not calling because of all the things we’ve done in the past couple of days?

No, I’m just trying to book someone for the convention. Wow, what a coincidence.

But maybe that’s why it’s on my desk, because of all this buzz. Oh, it’s ridiculous! He was on with Matt and Alice on the Today show this morning and he’s jumping live on TNT on Saturday night.

Is he a registered Republican? I don’t know if he’s registered, but I know he’s Republican.

Well, we’d have to get him registered. Yeah, definitely. Before the convention he would have to be registered. Home voting state is Washington.

Washington, D.C.? Washington, Seattle. The real Washington.

Did I mention that President Bush is a big fan of Robbie’s father? Yeah? Uh, what’s your position, Eric?

I’m just an entertainment booker. That’s all. I’d love to be able to take you guys out on the boat, so you guys could see what we do. You could see our setup, see our production. It would make imagining what he would do that much easier.

We could envision it by seeing it! Right. Anyway, Robbie would be very interested. When is the convention?

August 30 to September 2. We already have a tentative offer for that date, but we’d much rather go with this.

Yeah, well, I mean, there’s no money involved. [Long pause] No money? What about production costs?

That would be covered by the campaign. But this will basically be a good-faith gesture to the party. We may be able to work out some small donation. Is that essential? Yeah! He risks his life for what he does.

His insurance bills must be very high. Yeah. I mean, he’s never jumped for free in his entire life.

But he loves his work, doesn’t he? He does, but unlike a concert singer, he risks his life when he performs.

Right. But he’d be risking his life for the Republican Party. It’s not a bad PR angle for him. [Dubiously] Yeah . . .

I will tell you one possible hitch—the Secret Service. Since President Bush is going to be there, they are freaking out about this. You know, they are just so neurotic, those boys. Listen, if the USS Intrepid is letting us jump, and the Fire Department, I don’t think we are going to have any problems with this thing. You know, the first jump of Robbie’s entire life was in Madison Square Garden. He was 9 years old.

So he’s coming full circle in a way. Isn’t that nice? You guys have got to get yourselves on the boat Saturday night—gotta see the pomp and circumstance.

And Robbie won’t be averse to jumping a herd of elephants? Robbie’s dad jumped cobras!

But has Robbie ever jumped cobras? No, but he’ll jump anything.