(Photo: Evan Kafka)

I’m so happy to be back in New York right now. I just bought a place in Clinton Hill. I’ve been on the West Coast for months, so being able to actually walk places and bump into people is great. Most of my friends are here, and so are my bands—I’m in four of them. The main one right now is the Honey Brothers. We all have nicknames. I’m “Fluffer,” because I keep the energy up—I’m the drummer. I’d love to buy a Ludwig drum kit ($2,000 at Drummers World), the kind John Bonham played. It makes you sound better than you are. And I’d rent mariachi suits for the band ($500 for four from Abracadabra). We were supposed to be wearing them on our album cover, but we couldn’t get it together.

My summer plan is to fix up my house. I have a bed already. I’d buy some Föm pillows ($75 at Brookstone) and an above-ground pool for the backyard ($140 at Sports Authority). The rest of the furniture, I’ll find on the street.

I’d spend $1,000 on 100 shares of FuelCell Energy, a fuel-cell technology stock. It’s an alternative energy source whose by-product is water. Basically, you’ll be driving down the road and water will be leaking out the tailpipe. I don’t see any reason why we can’t be independent of oil. Until that happens, I drive a Prius, so I’d fill the gas tank ($22).

I’d buy a cow for a family in Africa from Heifer International ($500 at heifer.org). It’s the “teach a man how to fish, and you’ll feed him for life” thing—if you give an animal, you’re giving an ongoing food source.

I’m about to go up to Armonk to direct a film I wrote called Euthanasia, so I’d buy a Panasonic AG-DVX100A camera for that ($3,400 at B&H Photo-Video). It’s about two 15-year-old girls who take a joyride in the family car and run over their cat. The film is part of my plan to do everything sort of well and be good at nothing. That’s a joke. I go through long, drawn-out spurts of idleness and lasciviousness and very brief weekends of productivity.

I’d buy a pair of Motorola walkie-talkies for my good friend Julia, who happens to be 9 years old ($80 for two at Best Buy). She’s the daughter of a friend of mine, and I’ve known her since she was 3. She’s the coolest.

I’d take all my friends to see Murderball ($129 for twelve adult tickets) and buy them whatever popcorn and candy they want. Personally, I like those Häagen-Dazs bars ($60 for twelve).

One thing I wouldn’t buy is clothes. I do that, like, once a year. I’ve never spent more than $30 on anything I wear. Instead, I’d get a bottle of Château Petrus 2002 ($560 at Smith & Vine). Because I’ve always wondered if a fancy bottle is really better.

The rest ($534) I’d spend at Aqueduct Racetrack. I love horse racing, and I love to gamble. It’s in my blood. I think it skips a generation, because my mom’s not too into it, but my grandmother—she’s a bingo fiend! Every chance I get, I go with her to the casino.

Reality Check
What I Really Spent Today
Egg-and-cheese sandwich at corner bodega . . . $2.50
Subway to Manhattan . . . $2
Albums by Manitoba and New Pornographers; Crumb soundtrack; Re-Animator and The Kid Stays in the Picture DVDs at Kim’s Music and Video . . . $120
Dinner with production team of Euthanasia at Chick-Inn . . . $55
Subway home . . . $2

Total $181.50

Related:

• Archive: “Economy of One”
• Articles by Sarah Bernard
• Table of Contents: Jul 25, 2005 issue of New York | Subscribe!