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Who's Your Daddy?


While most of America awoke last week to discover that a suburban Virginia purveyor of online chat had purchased one of the nation's oldest and largest media companies, many in the city were obsessively discussing an even odder and more unexpected merger. At bars like the East Village's Meow Mix and Park Slope's Rising Cafe, the Heather Has Two Mommies set was voicing its own private "Ewww."

"It's creepy that Melissa Etheridge considers David Crosby her sperm equivalent," says Andrea Lawlor, a Web developer swigging a Rolling Rock at Rising. "Bryan Adams seems a more appropriate choice." Besides, adds Cathy Halley, an employee of the Board of Education's Office of Public Affairs, "why would Etheridge and partner Julie Cypher pick Crosby over, say, Ricky Martin?"

Soon, lesbians across the city were playing Celebrity Sperm Bank. Asked to pick a seed donor among Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Halley opts for the last because "he's the only one who still has a respectable career." Comparative-literature professor Mary Gossy agrees: "He's the genius among them." In fact, most Sapphites surveyed seem to prefer anyone over Crosby. "Musical talent isn't an inherent gene, but addiction certainly is," says Anne Bakoulis, a salesperson in the film business. "Besides, who wants their kids to resemble the Cowardly Lion?" She thinks Graham Nash would be a better bio-dad because of his "good genes and his seeming stability." Editor Jennifer Weh agrees: "At least he has his own liver." Choreographer Maya Ciarrocchi would go for David Bowie. "He's extremely talented, and let's face it: He's damn good-looking."

Lawlor isn't planning to have babies herself, but if a girlfriend of hers were to do so, she'd suggest the Boss: "Bruce Springsteen is perfect. I consider him my sperm equivalent."


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