Feature

Gay With Children

“There has been tension,” suggests Signorile, “like, when do you not bring the kids? What events are adult events, and what events are not? It’s very blurry as to when it’s an event when kids are welcome and when it might be more a pickup type of gathering and more overtly sexual. I think the gay community is still trying to work out these kinds of rules.” Signorile recalls a recent cocktail party he attended. He ended up talking to two gay dads. Within seconds, they started talking about their children: “This conversation just immediately shifted to what I felt were the most boring topics imaginable. I just wanted to die.”

Signorile may have to get used to it. What pleases Schutte and Levy is the knowledge that by having Ethan, they have prompted many of their gay friends to at least talk about becoming parents, too. “We had years of discussions on Fire Island about D.J.’s and hair removal, and adoption never came up,” says Schutte. “Since Ethan was born, so many people have come up to us and said they always wanted a child.” Levy confirms that they are often told by other gays how lucky they are. “When I hear that,” he says, “the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, ‘Don’t envy me. You can do it, too.’ ”

Scott Goldsmith, who has many gay patients, confirms that the emergence of parenthood as an option is unsettling to older gay men, especially some in long-term relationships: “As with most issues, the two people do not arrive at the same place at same time. One person feels a real awakening of a passion to have a family, and the other may not.”

Jeff Corbin, a 37-year-old psychiatrist in private practice, and his partner of five years have been in a stand-off for almost a year over whether to have children. “I really want to have kids, and he doesn’t,” says Corbin. Earlier this year, he gave his boyfriend, who is 45, an ultimatum—one month to tell him yes or no—but his partner begged for six more months. The extra time will soon be up. “I don’t want to break up over this,” says Corbin, “but I also don’t see living my life without kids.”

While same-sex couples with children find it easy fitting into straight Manhattan, there are still moments of surprise. Strah remembers when he, Miguel, Zev, and Summer were first invited to read from the Torah at Miguel’s synagogue. “I could just tell when we sat down that people were like, ‘Wow, what was that?’ ” he says. Davis and Busch, in semi-rural Connecticut, know they are a curiosity. “No matter what man I walk with, with Eli, the cars slow down,” says Busch. “You can see them saying like, ‘Oh, is that the couple?’ ”

Occasionally, the mere appearance of two moms or two dads with children leads to misunderstandings. David Kim, a doctor at a Gramercy Park practice, and his partner of seven years, Jim Logatto, recently took their adopted son, Ethan, to the playground in the Hudson River Park. Adults are allowed in only if accompanied by a child, and Kim walked in with Ethan, but a security guard stopped Logatto. It just didn’t compute that both men could be parents of the same child. But as the two men were girding themselves to explain, they saw it dawn on him, and he grinned and let both of them inside.

Something else that gay parents share is having, repeatedly, to explain the deal to strangers. “It’s like coming out all over again,” says Levy. And it happens day in and day out, at the grocery store, at the doctor’s, in the park, wherever. Sometimes, it just becomes too exhausting. Busch recalls taking a flight with Eli recently from Seattle to Chicago. When a middle-aged businessman sat next to them on the plane, Busch preferred not to talk because he couldn’t face the conversation that would inevitably follow. But when he had to go to the front of the plane to warm up a baby bottle, the man offered to hold Eli. Up front, Busch found himself being quizzed by a flight attendant about where the child’s mother was. He explained he was gay. Moments after he sat back down, the flight attendant came up to them and said, “I just want you to know that you guys are wonderful. I just think a gay relationship is fantastic!” The businessman, whose family was on a religious retreat, melted with embarrassment. As did Jeffrey.

All gay parents will tell you they have concerns about how, as they get older, their children will deal with having same-sex parents. Kim, who lives in Brooklyn Heights, admits that he hesitated before succumbing to Logatto’s urgent desire to adopt a baby: “Did I want to bring up a child facing the stress of having gay dads? Junior high can be pretty mean.” In the end, they put those worries aside, and in April 2002 collected Ethan from Vietnam. He was 3 months old. “I probably wasn’t sure until I actually held him in my arms—then I was just so happy,” says Kim.

What gay parents will not take seriously is any suggestion that because of their sexuality and the absence of either a traditional mother or father in the home, it is somehow more likely that their kids will turn out gay. “There is no correlation,” Zimmerman responds firmly. (She recently came across 3-year-old Ella acting out a play in which Cinderella was marrying Snow White.) But she and Wexler know that these kinds of thoughts still lurk among those who disapprove of what they’re doing. “There is definitely this stuff about us having a malicious influence on children,” says Wexler. “And for men, there is still this horrible taint of pedophilia.”

Of more concern to some gay parents is the racial discrimination they fear their adopted children may suffer. “Race is much bigger than the genders of your parents,” argues Amy Cappellazzo, who has joined her children with their baby-sitter in Washington Square Park. “Or the fact that they are adopted.”

As evening sets in, it is time for her to corral the children home for dinner. Ben grabs his sister’s new pink bicycle, demanding that he ride it home, and Marina bursts into angry tears. As their mother wearily attempts to broker a truce between them, another woman walks by and shoots her a knowing grin. At this moment, Amy is just like any other mom trying to teach her children about sharing. It could not matter less if she is gay or straight.