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Dave Letterman's Top Ten Tips for Beating the Heat in New York City

From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska

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10 Carjack a Mr. Softee truck.

9 Seek shade behind one of city's many shirtless fat guys.

8 Remind yourself that our current president is a former cheerleader -- this always causes one to shiver.

7 Form a mother-son grifter team; con an elderly woman out of her central-air-conditioned townhouse.

6 Take a dip in the Hudson and you're looking at a nice, cool ride in an ambulance, my friend!

5 Relax in breeze created by subscription cards falling out of this magazine.

4 Buy ice-cold venti frappuccino from Starbucks; pour it down pants; repeat.

3 If you can stand lame comedy, come sit in the climate-controlled comfort of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2 Scalp tickets to The Producers -- use money to buy house in Hamptons.

1 Enjoy refreshing chill standing between Mayor Giuliani and Donna Hanover.

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