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Illustration by Serge Bloch
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Absinthe
Everything that’s tiresome about the great retro-cocktail fad in a single glass. Plus it’s not even illegal anymore.
Fetishized Burger Blends
Are you weary of hearing your friends rhapsodize about the fatback-to-flap-meat ratio in their $16 burgers? So are we.
Needlessly Inclusive Global Wine Lists
We know they make half-decent wine in the mountains of Croatia. That doesn’t mean we want to drink it.
Haute-Comfort-Food Desserts
No more fried doughnut holes marketed as “bombolinis,” please. And no more s’mores parfaits, either.
Flat-Screen TVs
Platt’s Flat-Screen TV Axiom states the following: The more flat-screen TVs that glow on a restaurant’s wall, the harder the food will suck.
Edison Filament Lightbulbs
The essence of the bleakly industrial, madly popular AvroKo look. Ban them, and you might actually be able to see what you’re having for dinner.
Beige
Mrs. Platt loves it, so let me put this delicately: Too many fancy restaurants these days look like the inside of a tobacco barn.
Winsomely Named Frozen-Yogurt Bars
The culinary equivalent of mortgage-backed securities. The fro-yo bubble burst a year ago, even if my daughters don’t know it yet.
Food Trucks
An excellent concept for cheap ice cream and overbrewed coffee. A waste of time for everything else.
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